Loss

I'm going to be honest and tell you I wasn't going to write this. I don't really want to write this now. But I feel like I have to. To have closure.

My Grandmother passed away Tuesday and is being buried tomorrow. This was completely unexpected and I still feel a little in shock about it I guess. Today made it feel a little more real, but I feel like tomorrow is going to be the worst. She had a stroke on the Wednesday before and  was taken to the hospital and put in the neuro-intensive care unit and was then put on a respirator on Saturday and then the swelling in her brain just got to be too much and by Tuesday she just wasn't there any more.

I know we're going to be okay. I have an amazing family and we're close. We're not going to let anyone break. But it's hard and it hurts. She was always there and now she suddenly won't be.

I do hold onto this though. I have a little cousin (who isn't really a cousin but it's complicated to explain) who is wise beyond his years and when he found out she had died he went outside to where his family has a cross carved out of a stump and kneeled there for a while and then wandered around a field near his house for a while and came back and told his mom that "we shouldn't worry because she was in a better place and looking down on us now." And whenever someone they've known has died the next day the sky has always had a beautiful color to it. And that next day when she was taking him to school the sky was the brightest orange and red that she had ever seen. So to me that's a sign that we shouldn't worry or be sad because she's in a better place and she's looking down on us and watching over us now.

And I know she wouldn't want us to cry. She would want us to remember the good times and smile and laugh and spend time together because that's what made her happy.

Tomorrow's going to be hard. It's probably going to be one of the worst day's I've ever experienced but I'm going to face it and I'm going to know that everything is going to be okay. It has to get easier, right?

Love,
Natalie

The Good in the World

The world has a lot of horrible things that happen in it everyday. And it's like no matter where you look something devastating is happening. And it was never like that when you're a kid. The world was a wonderful place where you were always safe and nothing could hurt you. You never knew about the bad stuff because the people around you didn't want you to think that the world was a place full of sadness and danger. But then as you get older you see more. You hear more. You have to become more aware of the bad.

And it seems like there is more bad in the world than ever before. But I don't think I believe that. I think the bad makes for better news stories. I think it makes people more likely to tune in or to click the link, but I believe that there is still just as much good if not more in the world as there is bad. It just doesn't make for a good headline.

I mean which are you more likely to read, "Person pays for strangers groceries" or "Person goes on shooting spree." I know which one I would choose, and I feel like it's because the good things are usually little things. They're usually things most people don't think about until they happen to them or someone they know. They're less noticeable than the bad.

And when the bad gets sensationalized and the bad guys name gets put out there and everyone knows it, it makes these evil people infamous. Even if it's just for a little while and then it makes other people think that infamy is better than no fame at all. And that's really sad.

All I know is that this world is not bad. There are bad people, but the good ones, they far outnumber the bad ones. That I believe. And the good of people, is incomparable to anything else on this earth. And yeah, the bad is going to seep in and make the world seem dark, but there is always a light to brighten the world. There is always good. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder.

Love,
Natalie

Dear Old Friend

How are you?
I've missed you.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope you're happy
and loved
and proud
and confident.

Because you deserve that.
I hope life gives you wonderful things.
And I hope that you give wonderful things back to life.

I know it's been a while.
I know I should've worked harder.
But I'm so glad that we've gotten to know each other again.
I didn't realize what I had been missing.

I've missed you.
I'm sorry I stopped trying for a while.
I'm glad we're back to sisters.
I'm glad life has seen fit for us to have each other in our lives.

I am so lucky.
Thank you for taking me back.
I love you.

Love,
Natalie