Thankful

With Thanksgiving coming up in just a few days it has got me thinking. This one's going to be a hard one.

You never really think about how things will be without someone until you have to. And it's something that I would never want anyone to have to go through, but we do. Because loss is a part of life, and if we never experience it then that means we're doing something wrong.

Experiencing important things and feeling like there is someone missing who should be there is hard. And something that never goes away. Some days all you want is to talk to that person one more time, or just see them. But you can't.

There are a lot of things that I am thankful for. And I'm so lucky to have wonderful people in my life who love and care about me unconditionally. That's what I'm thankful for this year. And always.

Love,
Natalie

Dear God,

Sometimes I don't understand why You let somethings happen.
Okay I almost always don't understand why.
But I know there has to be a reason.

That one day things will be better.
That life will go on.
Because it has to.

And I may not know what Your plans for me are.
But I know there's a plan.
And that's almost all the reassurance I need.

Because this life will have bad times.
But I know it's only temporary.
And I know I'm here for a reason.

And if that's not one of the most wonderful things ever,
I don't know what is.

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Truth

Truth isn't always easy. It isn't always nice or pretty. It can hurt. And it usually does. But truth is special and rare. Life is full of truths. Things people know to be true. And the funny thing is no one has exactly the same truths. Everyone's truths are different because people are inherently different. And that's what makes life so amazing. Because for this brief span of time where we're all on this earth together, we get to learn other truths. We get to learn things that will change our life, that will make us think, that will make a profound change to our lives.

No, truth is not always pretty. And it's not always welcome. But it can change the world if we let it.

Love,
Natalie

Questions

1: What would you name your future daughter?
I really like the name Emma or Clara.

2: Do you miss anyone?
Yes, too many to count.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
 I'd probably get all giggly and shy but say thank you.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
 Yep

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
My birthday

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
stay in

7: How late did you stay up last night?
probably about 11:30

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Probably

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
School work

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Unfortunately

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Absolutely

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Yeah

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Always and forever. They're disgusting.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
I'm pretty lucky and have a couple.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Yeah. I have the problem of getting way too attached too quickly.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Yep

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes, and it makes me even more upset when that happens.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
No, not yet

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope

20: Who did you last see in person?
My brother

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
I laughed. Does that count?

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
No

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
No, but I hope to one day.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Probably too good.

25: Do you use chap stick?
Always

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
I don't remember.

27: Are you listening to music right now?
No, which is weird because I usually am

28: What is something you currently want right now?
I can't really thing of anything.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
No kisses, so nope

30: How is your heart lately?
It's okay. Healing from a break.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Sometimes, but not usually

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Yesterday

33: What do people call you?
Usually Natalie, but I have a couple nicknames that are used at times.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Yes, too many times. And I almost always regret it.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Not right now, other than the normal things like school and work.

36: What are you listening to right now?
Youtube video

37: What is wrong with you right now?
Who knows!

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Yeah it is.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
If I catch it.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
5 different bracelets, but it's usually more.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Waiting for the unexpected

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Work

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
No, at least not yet.

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Yes

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
No

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Kind of, yeah

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With someone else. Waking up with someone there makes my day that much better.

49: Have you ever been to New York?
No, but one day I will.

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes, and I meant it when I told them I loved them back.

Eleanor & Park

Have you ever read a book that has ever completely affected you to the point where you feel like you are the character in that book? Because I just finished one that did that to me and it has me longing for a hand to hold and someone to cuddle with at night. It has left me longing for a real, passionate kiss. It's left me longing for someone to hold me close and tell me I'm special. This book has changed me. It has affected me in a way I could never really imagine a book would be able to. I've never experienced anything like this in such an intense way. I cant get it out of my mind. And to be honest, I wouldn't say that this was the best book I've ever read, but I will say that it's one of the most real books I've ever read. And I think that's why it has had this affect on me. Because it was real.

Love,
Natalie

Loss

I'm going to be honest and tell you I wasn't going to write this. I don't really want to write this now. But I feel like I have to. To have closure.

My Grandmother passed away Tuesday and is being buried tomorrow. This was completely unexpected and I still feel a little in shock about it I guess. Today made it feel a little more real, but I feel like tomorrow is going to be the worst. She had a stroke on the Wednesday before and  was taken to the hospital and put in the neuro-intensive care unit and was then put on a respirator on Saturday and then the swelling in her brain just got to be too much and by Tuesday she just wasn't there any more.

I know we're going to be okay. I have an amazing family and we're close. We're not going to let anyone break. But it's hard and it hurts. She was always there and now she suddenly won't be.

I do hold onto this though. I have a little cousin (who isn't really a cousin but it's complicated to explain) who is wise beyond his years and when he found out she had died he went outside to where his family has a cross carved out of a stump and kneeled there for a while and then wandered around a field near his house for a while and came back and told his mom that "we shouldn't worry because she was in a better place and looking down on us now." And whenever someone they've known has died the next day the sky has always had a beautiful color to it. And that next day when she was taking him to school the sky was the brightest orange and red that she had ever seen. So to me that's a sign that we shouldn't worry or be sad because she's in a better place and she's looking down on us and watching over us now.

And I know she wouldn't want us to cry. She would want us to remember the good times and smile and laugh and spend time together because that's what made her happy.

Tomorrow's going to be hard. It's probably going to be one of the worst day's I've ever experienced but I'm going to face it and I'm going to know that everything is going to be okay. It has to get easier, right?

Love,
Natalie

The Good in the World

The world has a lot of horrible things that happen in it everyday. And it's like no matter where you look something devastating is happening. And it was never like that when you're a kid. The world was a wonderful place where you were always safe and nothing could hurt you. You never knew about the bad stuff because the people around you didn't want you to think that the world was a place full of sadness and danger. But then as you get older you see more. You hear more. You have to become more aware of the bad.

And it seems like there is more bad in the world than ever before. But I don't think I believe that. I think the bad makes for better news stories. I think it makes people more likely to tune in or to click the link, but I believe that there is still just as much good if not more in the world as there is bad. It just doesn't make for a good headline.

I mean which are you more likely to read, "Person pays for strangers groceries" or "Person goes on shooting spree." I know which one I would choose, and I feel like it's because the good things are usually little things. They're usually things most people don't think about until they happen to them or someone they know. They're less noticeable than the bad.

And when the bad gets sensationalized and the bad guys name gets put out there and everyone knows it, it makes these evil people infamous. Even if it's just for a little while and then it makes other people think that infamy is better than no fame at all. And that's really sad.

All I know is that this world is not bad. There are bad people, but the good ones, they far outnumber the bad ones. That I believe. And the good of people, is incomparable to anything else on this earth. And yeah, the bad is going to seep in and make the world seem dark, but there is always a light to brighten the world. There is always good. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder.

Love,
Natalie