Thoughts on Marriage

So I keep seeing all these people on Facebook getting engaged and married and it's made me do a lot of thinking. In this moment of my life I know without a doubt that I could not get married to someone and it actually work out. That's just a fact for me. Leaving out the fact that I'm single and not even looking for a relationship right now anyway, but at this moment of my life I couldn't get married and be happy in my life. So seeing all of this, especially because I go to a Christian university where everyone takes the whole "ring by spring" thing seriously I feel like I'm in the minority. I know this isn't the case within the real world, but in my world (aka southern US at a Christian school) this is true.

There's so much of the world I've yet to experience and I want to get to experience them. Not that you can't do that when married, it's just a little harder especially when you're young. I want to be happy with myself on my own before bringing another person into the picture again. You know, even as much as my ex and I loved each other and as much as I wanted him to be in my future we had already talked and we had the same feelings. There are still a lot of things that we both want to do in our lives, and marriage is just not something that we came close to considering. The timing for us was definitely not the best, but in then end we knew that we both had plans for our future. We had two different but also similar paths that we were heading down, but we didn't want anything to stop us from pursuing our goals. And I guess that's a little bit of the reason we broke up. We were happy, and we still care about each other and are in full support of each others choices, but this time in our life a commitment like marriage would've ruined our opportunities or our relationship and neither of those were things we ever were willing to risk.

I have at least six years of school left. Five after the end of this semester, but I have to get at least a masters degree to even qualify for a job in the field I want to go into. Then I have actually find a job, hopefully within that field I just spent six years of my life getting an education for and become a functioning member of society. Within that time I'd love to travel, maybe fall in love again a time or two, and just become the person that I've always wanted to be. These are all of the things that I want to happen before I get married. I have a list of "requirements" I guess you could say that have to be accomplished before I'll say that I'm ready. Most importantly to me is to finish ALL of my schooling I need, get a job in the career field I want to go into, and be financially stable. Those are my main three but there are others like being happy with myself and honestly I don't think I could marry someone I hadn't know for at least five years (not necessarily dating that long, but at least been close friends with before dating).

So I guess it just scares me to see people I know who are my age or even younger who think they are ready to be married because that means either I'm right and their relationship isn't going to last or that there's something wrong with me because I'm not ready for that level of commitment yet (not saying that there aren't the rare few that work out, but they're the exception and most of us are not the exception sadly). Maybe this is all in my head and this whole post is pointless, but I've been thinking about this topic a lot recently just due to some of the people in my life and the fact that the holiday season is full of engagements that I wanted to get it off my chest.

So, yeah. I guess that's my current view on marriage at this point in my life. I'm sure it'll change over time, so we can look forward to seeing how that changes. But as a tl;dr the thought of marriage currently terrifies me and anyone under the age of 25 or people who have known each other less than five years should be allowed to get married

Being Thankful in Heartbreak

So there have been some life changes recently. Not exactly the kind that one ever wants to talk about, but one that everyone wants to talk about with each other. Things with the person I've spent the last year loving ended. Not for any reason on my end or his really. It was all just bad timing. I'm in my first semester of college and he's halfway around the world (literally) in graduate school. Things just weren't working. We tried for a good three months, but by the end we weren't even in a real relationship. If there's one thing I learned it's that an occasional exchange of text messages and no guarantee of when someone is coming back to the same country as you does not make a relationship and it certainly doesn't keep one going, no matter how much you wish it would. The hardest part is that there's no one to blame. No one to hate or block out of my life. We're still friends. We still talk and care about each other. Life has different plans for us right now, and that's okay. If in the end we are meant to be together we'll find each other again. For now I'm thankful for my little piece of forever that I got to spend with him.

I guess that's the point I want to get across in this post. Even though we didn't work out the way we had planned the time we did get to spend together was special. It was our own little forever and I'm thankful that I got to share that feeling for the first time with you. Love has a weird way of making someone mean more to you than you ever thought possible and then suddenly they're gone and you don't really know what to do with yourself. I didn't know what to do with myself for a while. Eventually though I realized that everything he said was true. We weren't in a relationship anymore. Three texts a day with an "I love you" doesn't make a relationship. Waiting for two years or more for someone in this part of our lives doesn't make sense. As sucky as it is that this is the truth that doesn't change that it is the truth.

Neither of us deserved to have to put a hold on our lives for one another and we care too much about the other to let the each other give up their own dreams for the chance to be with the other person. That's how one person in the relationship begin resenting and hating the other and that's the last thing we wanted. I had hoped that we were the exception, but that's not usually the case. Everyone likes to think that if it had been them, they would've worked it out but until you're in the situation you never know what you'd actually choose.

We chose what was best for us. What was best for each other. Even though it was the hardest decision we've had to make, it was for the best. And in the end we still have a special friendship that we have saved by not letting our relationship go on to the point where one of us resented and hated the other and wanted to completely get them out of their life.

I'm thankful for the year I got to spend loving and being loved by him. It was one of the best and most special years of my life. I know at the end of my life I'll look back on this time and remember nothing but fond memories. Now I'm thankful for a friend who knows so much about me and who I know I can share anything with without being judged. What we had before was special, but what we have now is still special. It's just special in a different way.

Life has it's own plan that sadly we don't get any hints to. So if in the end we are meant to be, we'll come back to each other and if in the end we aren't meant to be and we both end up with other people then that's okay too. I got my time with him and it was amazing and if it's all the time I will ever get to call him mine, then that's okay. He's an amazing person and I hope that he accomplishes everything that he wants and more. He's gonna make the world a better place. I know this because in the short forever I got with him he made me a better person.

So there will be no more tears from me about this heart break. I'm okay now and everyday things begin to get even closer to "normal" again. I've never experienced this feeling before, but now I have and I've survived. Everything is survivable, you know. I'm not the first person to be broken up with and I'm definitely not the last. In the end the most important thing to remember is that there is a reason people come into your life when they do, but there is also a reason they leave. Be thankful for the time you got to share with them. Don't be afraid to be upset they're gone, but also don't let it ruin your life.

Heartbreak is a weird thing to thankful for, I know that. But in the end it changes you as a person, and that's what you should be thankful for. You let this person in to your life and the time you got to share with each other was precious and wonderful, but the time after them will be just as precious and wonderful if you will let it.

We might not have gotten the happily forever after I wanted, but we did get a happy ending. Honestly that's more than I could ever ask for in this situation. And if it's meant to be, several years down the road we'll meet again and pick up where we left off but we're not going to let that possibility stop us from living our lives right now. So I'm thankful for my time of being loved and my happy ending and I'll always be thankful for the time I got with him. We had our own little forever within the time we got to share and that is what's worth being thankful for.

9/18/15

So, it's been a while. I hope things are well with whoever is still reading this. If anyone is still reading this. Life has been crazy recently. I'm a freshman in college now, first month has been completed with nothing too major happening. It's been good. Hard, but good.

The boyfriend is still around. He's in China currently for his graduate degree, but we're still trying to make it work. That's probably been the hardest part of all of the change really. I  don't have him around when I just need to talk. It's taking some getting used to, but I'm surviving. I get to actually see his face and hear his voice this weekend so that's exciting.

I'm also getting ready to dye my hair. Or well, part of my hair. Attempt one didn't really stick as well, so my roommate is gonna help me bleach it and then re-dye it today. I'm excited but also nervous. Change is scary to me, but I felt like I needed to do it. I needed to force myself to accept the fact that things in my life are changing and it's okay to be scared, but you gotta do it anyway. That's what I'm hoping to get out of this choice. Even though I'm scared to do it, I want to. So I'm doing it.

I guess that's what this past month has been for me. A month of changes and being scared, but living anyway. So I hope to keep doing that. Also that you do that too. We'll make it through. Even if it doesn't seem like it now. We will.

Love,
Natalie

Endings

With the end of the semester coming upon us I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about endings. And I've come to realize that everything has an ending. Days end, months end, moments end, lives end, relationships end, books end, and all we have is the time before the ending. The time that allows us to enjoy those things before the end. Sometimes it's a lot of time. Sometimes it's only a second. We never really know for sure how long we have before our ending will come about.

Endings have never been my favorite thing. I'll put off finishing books for months, I never watch the end credits for movies, endings aren't anywhere on the list of things I enjoy. But they're inevitable. They're just a part of life. And sometimes, no matter how much you try to avoid, things end.

Why are endings so scary? That's a question I'm not quite sure there is a solid answer to. But I do know that when things end, it causes a lot of unknowns that have to be taken into account. Right now my primary school career is ending. The thing that I have spent 13 years of my 18 doing. Right now my dance classes are ending. Something I have spent 15 years of my 18 doing. Right now my life is changing. And with that change a lot of endings are happening as well.

A lot of good things are happening though. I'm starting at a university that I am in love with in the fall. I'm in love with a guy who loves me just as much back. I'm getting out of this town and even though it isn't to a bigger town or anything, it's a new start. A time to re-invent myself and become the person that I want to be known as.

So ending are hard. But they're also important. Life changes. Endings are inevitable. It's just one of those part of life that you have to get used to. So, yeah, a lot of things are ending right now and it's weird to think about, but a lot of things are beginning too. That's what makes the endings bearable. Because new things can't start without old things ending. So this isn't a goodbye to my past. It's a hello to my future and that it might have in store for me.

Love,
Natalie

3/20/2015

Visiting GWU today really made me realize how much I want to go there. I am absolutely in love with the campus, the people, and just the entire community feeling that is so apparent in every person there. I felt so comfortable and like I was home today. It was amazing.

Usually I've felt at least some anxiety when it came to eve thinking about college, but I didn't feel that today. At all. It was crazy. There were no knots, no butterflies, nothing. It just felt right. I don't have any other way of describing it but that. It felt right and exciting.

Everyone I met was so nice and willing to help and answer questions. The campus is beautiful and not too spread out or huge. It's the perfect size really. Visiting today made my choice obvious for me. This is what I want and if it doesn't work out I'm going to be really disappointed. But I can only hold out hope that there's a reason for all of this and whether I am able to go or not I now that there's a reason behind all of that. I just know that in this moment, right now, it's exactly what I want and need.

Love,
Natalie

Feelings

Sharing how I feel terrifies me. It doesn't matter if it's with a stranger or a friend or whoever, it makes me feel physically sick. I know that's not a good thing. I know it's not healthy and that I shouldn't be afraid to, especially if it's with someone that I love and they love me. Those are the people I should trust the most with my feelings. And I do trust them. With all of my heart I trust them, but sharing how I feel with them, whether it's from something they might judge me for or how ridiculous it is that I'm even feeling whatever it is about whatever it might be that I stop myself because I don't want to lose them or for them to think less of me. And like in my head I know this is stupid. I know that no matter what I say if they really love me then they are not going to stop loving me just because of one little thing. People hurt other people's feelings all the time and we couldn't learn from that if we didn't know. So it makes sense to tell someone, "hey what you said to me today made me upset and here's why and I know you were in a bad mood or had had a bad day and I know you didn't mean it but this is how it made me feel," like that's normal. I just can't do that. At least not at this point in my life. It's been a long time since I have truly felt my anxiety be as bad as it used to. Sure every now and then it does rear its ugly head but it's usually manageable or at least ignorable. But every now and then it come back with a vengeance and those times are usually when I'm tying to explain how I feel. I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense it probably doesn't. All I know is it's so much easier to type out how I feel for random strangers to read on the Internet than it is to tell the people I love and care about because I don't care what strangers online think of me. I do care about what those people in my life think of me. This is probably super rambly and I doubt it'll ever see an actual post but it's what I'm feeling tonight and I felt like I had to get it out. Emotions are a dangerous thing and sharing them is even more dangerous. That person gets the backstage view. They become someone who has the power to break you and that thought absolutely terrifies me. But I'm trying to get better and I am. Slowly, but I am. So until then I have this and for now it's good enough.  

Sunshine and Clouds

Life's not always sunshine and happiness. Sometimes it's clouds and tears. Sometimes it's anger and fear. Sometimes it's just surviving. Life doesn't always go the way you planned. It doesn't care about your plan. In fact it has a funny way of completely upending your plans and doing its own thing. All you can do is go along.

This may sound terrifying or exhilarating depending on how you live your life. To me, it's terrifying. The unknown is terrifying. The fact that no matter how much you plan and prepare for, there's always the probability that life is going to hit you with the one thing you didn't even think could happen.

Those days of sunshine and happiness make the days of clouds and tears bearable. They make the anger and fear bearable. They make life bearable. And I know what you might be thinking after that sentence, but I want you to know that I have so many days of sunshine and happiness. So many days that are filled with smiles and laughs. Days spent with people  I care about and love. Days that I will remember forever.

Those sunny days might be little things. I know they usually are for me. Whether it's seeing that friend you haven't seen in a while or watching a really good movie on a rainy day, those can be sunny days. It can be cuddling with someone you care about. It can be doing that thing that yo just haven't had the free time to do recently. It can be doing absolutely nothing. A sunny day doesn't have a specific definition. It can be anything. As long as it brings you joy, then it counts as a sunny day.

Those days are important. Especially when the clouds and tears show up. Especially when fear or anger want to take over. Those days of happiness and smiles are important. They help remind you that today might be a bad day and maybe tomorrow will be too, but someday, hopefully soon, life will be better. Life will be happy again. You just have to hold on. You just have to make it until then.

So life might not always be sunshine an happiness. Life might be mostly clouds and tears and anger and fear, but when those sunny days do show up, you'll appreciate them more than ever. Those days help you survive. Those days make life worth all the suffering and the unknowing.

I hope you have days full of sunshine and smiles and laughter with people you care about. I hope that when you do have bad days that these memories help you. Maybe they won't fix the bad day, but at least they'll be there to remind you that things will get better. You deserve as much happiness and sunshine as you can possibly get. So I hope you have years of it. Decades even. Because you deserve it.

Love,
Natalie