I feel pretty good today. It's been a while since I could say that and be telling the truth, but I really do feel good. And not like healthy or pretty or anything like that, I feel good emotionally. And it's nice. I hope that I can keep this up.

Love,
Natalie

Influential Person

There are few people that really understand life and that the horrible things that happen in it don't mean that your life is going to be terrible forever. One of these people I've recently found is Miles Dyer. I have never met him and probably never will, but he's just amazing. 

Maybe it's stupid to say that someone I've never met is influencing my life, but that's the way it is. The way he can articulate these feelings that I've had and I guess knowing that I'm not the only person who has felt these terrible things before and knowing I won't be the last is comforting.

He's made me think about the way I treat the people around me and he's made me realize just how much we should be willing to risk because we aren't going to live forever and you shouldn't spend the limited time you do have on something you hate.

So, I guess this is a thank you to Miles. A thank you saying that you have inspired me and to tell you that I appreciate that you are so open because it has made me a better person. I want to thank you for reminding me that when times are rough and it may seem like the only way out is suicide, there is always the option of living. Because things do get better, eventually. It just might take a while. You've taught me a lot about myself and you've made me capable of figuring out who I want to be as I grow older. So, thank you for everything.

Love,
Natalie

What Makes You Brave | Thought Catalog

What Makes You Brave | Thought Catalog

You know I have never been very good at talking about myself in any way. I hate talking on the phone and I am terrible when I try and write letters. I've never been comfortable with talking about myself, my feelings or anything like that.

I think that might be one of the reasons that I find the people who can share their whole life with people they don't know or the people who are able to talk about how they feel and not feel this sort of inner panic that the person you're talking to is judging you for every thing you're saying so inspiring. I can't put my thoughts and feelings into words, I never have been. They just tend to come out all rambly and jumbled up. And I hate that.

It's not that I don't trust the people I would talk to or anything like that it's just that I hate to feel weak, I guess. I don't want other peoples pity. I want to help other people and don't want them to see me as someone who doesn't have their shit together. Even though I am far from having anything together.

Talking to someone and sharing how you feel is supposed to give you feeling of releasing a burden. But I've never felt that way when I've talked to people. It's always a feeling of them looking down on me, judging me for the fact that I am having these feelings and that I can't fix them myself. I know that I can't fix everything and I know that I can't fix myself, but some days I really wish that I could.

Feeling this way and keeping things bottled up is what I do, and probably what I will always do. I would love to be different but I'm not and I'm just going to have to live with that.

Some days it does make me really depressed especially when I think about the fact that I am pretty lonely, but it's a feeling I get whenever I think about it, so I try not to think about it.

I'm going to try and work on being more open and I would say I'd try and work on the lonely part, but I don;t know how I'd fix that because I have great friends and family and I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but maybe I'll figure it out.

Thanks for listening

Love,
Natalie

Snow Days

I think they mean something different to each person but I've always loved them.I think when you're little they seem magical, like something out of  fairytale. It's special because it means you get out of school and you get to go outside and spend the whole day out there freezing but having to much fun to even care about that.

As you get older to some people they seem to get less amazing. They just become more annoying. You have to make up the school you miss and you hate the cold. You stay inside and sit all day, doing nothing.

But, I've never felt that. It's always been magical to me. I love the way the it looks when you're driving in it and the way it makes the world look. It looks clean and bright. It always makes me happy when I wake up and there's snow on the ground, but unfortunately it doesn't happen often.

I hope that snow days never lose their magic and that I can always appreciate them.

Just a little reminder

Don't forget that you are amazing and I hope you know how important you are.

Never forget that you matter and don't let people tell you otherwise. Be proud and don't be afraid to let your light shine. Never be afraid to be yourself. Don't doubt. Get rid of those people who are toxic in your life and don't be afraid of losing a few people because you'll gain so much more. Don't forget to smile about something every day and look for the good in the world. It's hard to find sometimes but it's always there. Find good people and surround yourself with them. Remember that it's okay to want to be alone sometimes. It's normal. Don't be afraid of taking chances, it makes life more exciting. Live life to the fullest and be proud of the choices you make because they shaped you into the person you are today. And that person is amazing.

I'll always be here if you ever need to talk about anything.

It’s Okay To Be Lonely | Thought Catalog

It’s Okay To Be Lonely | Thought Catalog

The Mountain Goats - This Year

Basically my thoughts on this year.

Thinking of Happiness

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it just seems to be a little harder to laugh and a little harder to smile. Maybe it's the dreariness or the fact that the sun hasn't made much of an appearance lately, hich always dampens my mood, but I've just been really out of it lately.

And I don't know how to fix it. Or even if I can. Happiness is something I tend to take for granted when I have it and then when it doesn't show up for a while I just let it get worse. I know that I have control over what I let affect me, but it's hard to not let in the sadness.

It gets harder and harder to get out of the sadness too, (and I don't want to call it a depression because I don't think that is what it is), but I know that I have to. Johnathan Safran Foer has a quote that I tend to put towards this situation when it happens and it's from the book/movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

This is something that I've thought so much about after seeing this quote and watching this movie. Because I do it so much. I'll be so happy and excited about something until I begin to think about it so much that I begin to find "cracks in the pavement" and then think myself out of my happiness.

So this is something I'm going to try and work on this year because it's important to be happy. I've started this project I found on Tumblr where if something good or if something that makes you happy happen to you, you write it on a piece of paper and put it in a jar so at the end of the year you see how many amazing things have happened that year. I really like this idea and I hope I can keep up with it because I think it will help.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

Love,
Natalie

How To Come Home | Thought Catalog

How To Come Home | Thought Catalog

Exciting People

Sometimes I go back and watch old Ze Frank videos and it just makes me realize how freaking amazing he is. And how much I seem to relate to the things he says.

I'm an avid YouTube watcher but there are very few videos I can watch over and over again and get something new out of every time. And he's one of those. He just has a way with being able to say the things I'm not able to put into the right words. And this make me excited.

It excites me that I'm not the only person who has had these thoughts and that maybe I'm not that screwed up. And he makes me happy. The way he is so confident and is so well spoken makes me think maybe one day I'll be able to be like that. One day someone may care enough and I may be brave enough to put myself out there and people will like what I have to say.

 And sure, I don't have it figured out and I don't think anyone does, but when I watch Ze's videos I begin to figure things out, even if they seem trite and useless they mean something to me.

So, that's all I have to say. It's more of a thank you I guess to someone I don't know but someone who has shaped the way I think and the way I express myself.

Love,
Natalie

Wrong Way To Feel

Happiness was hard to come by at times, especially when she was away for so long. Sometimes it seemed like maybe the only way for her to feel was to drink. And she knew it was wrong, but it made her feel better and she didn't know how to stop. She was on a path of self-destruction and there was no way to stop her.

And people tried. Oh, they tried hard. But she didn't care. No one in her life was important enough to her to make her stop. As she continued to hurt herself she also destroyed her few friendships. People gave up, they had tried but realized that it was all for not. So they all slowly began to drop off.

As her friends disappeared her destruction go worse. She felt lonelier and therefore she wanted to escape more which led to more drinking. As she came to the lowest point someone new entered her life. Most people would say he would've been bad for her. He was someone probably worse off than her, but he cared. And that made her care.

So, she became a little better, not totally better and she still had so far to go, but he helped her feel less alone. What he didn't do though was help her stop medicating with alcohol. Because he did the same thing. They were a toxic pair at times. The two who needed to always feel something. The ones who needed unconditional love and affection.


Maybe they are the perfect pair, and maybe they have a lot more happiness than pain. But all I know is that she smiles now and he's the reason for that and I'll be forever grateful to him for that.

(This is all a fictional story. I hope you enjoyed it.)
Love,
Natalie

Color Challenge--Red

I've decided that I'm going to do this color challenge. I found it on tumblr and the point is to describe colors without using the colors name. I'm going to try and do as many as possible throughout the year and see where I end up. I'm going to start with red.

Passion between two new lovers. Even love between old friends and family. The color of rage. What you see when anger feels your soul. How strange two opposite feelings are represented by the same intense color. The color of a blush when you are caught staring a little too long. Her lipstick the night you met and began to fall for each other. Her favorite color roses that you give her when you've messed up.