New Mantra

“At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.”

—

Frida Kahlo I just found this amazing quote from tumblr and I've decided that this is my life. There are days where it seems like everything that could go wrong has and that nothing could make that day better. And yesterday was one of those days. I wish I could be one of those people who could always look on the bright side, but I'm just not programmed that way. So this is going to be my new mantra. Because it's true. By the end of the day, no matter how horrible it's been, I've realized that I could handle worse and I have handled worse. Now I just have to stick to it. Love, Natalie

86 Things I Learned In College | Thought Catalog

86 Things I Learned In College | Thought Catalog

My Experience with Anxiety

I just want you guys to know this is really hard for me write, but I think it's something that I need to share. (So if it's a bit rambly I hope you'll understand.)

Some of you may know that I am home schooled, but I haven't always been. I used to go to public school just like normal and I really liked it. I liked the kids in my class, the teachers I had, and even the school I went to. But around 4th grade I got horrible anxiety that made me physically ill and I couldn't make myself get and go to school.

It started as not a big deal, the school was fine with me missing because I was sick. But after I missed so many days they said if I kept missing I had to bring a doctors note back after each day I was out. Now you can see this would be a problem. And it wasn't like I was getting bad grades or failing anything, no I had just missed too many days.

Now when you go into a school principle's office to talk to them about the fact that you missing school that much was because of a sickness, and that sickness is caused by anxiety they don't really care to listen. They literally told my parents that they should force me to go to school and if I got sick there they would send me home. You can also see how that could be a problem when both your parents work full time jobs and can't exactly just get off to come pick up a child that's sick.

I completed 4th grade at that school, but the next year my anxiety had gotten so bad I wasn't even able to go to the first day. That's how terrified I was, and I truthfully have never figured out why. That was the year I started home schooling.

That was also one of the worst years of my life. I was sick for a lot of it, and I went to a lot of doctors who were all saying the same thing, there was nothing they could do and I just needed to be forced to go back to school. (Which is kind of hard to do when you're throwing up every morning. Just saying.)

I've tried going back to public school several time, but I've never been fully able to get over the anxiety.

I've been home schooled ever since that year and it's not my first choice, but it was the best choice and I've been blessed with so many opportunities I never would've had the chance at if I were not home schooled. Sometimes it does feel like I let the anxiety win, like if I had just pushed more, if I had just tried harder then I would've gotten over it. But I don't know if that's true.

Anxiety is something that isn't understood unless you have it. I'm lucky that I have people in my life, in my family, who do understand, who know what it's like because they've been through the same things. Anxiety also comes with this stigma that the person who has it is always scared, always anxious. Like they'll never be able to enjoy things. But I've found that to be untrue. With the right medicines, right support and the right amount of time, things will get better. Even if it's not how you expected or wanted it to.

Love,
Natalie

3/25/13

Memories are things we're supposed to look back on and see how we've changed. How we've grown, but I also think they're there to remind us of our past. So we never forget where we come from and how we've ended up at the place we're at. And sometimes those memories hurt, sometimes remembering will make us sad, but we need to do it anyway. 

Because the bad things aren't going to just disappear and they're the things that have shaped us. They've made us strong. And with every bad memory we'll have ten good ones. So yes, we'll remember moments in our life that we hate, that we wish we could erase, but without them we would be entirely different.

But sometimes I'll think back on a moment and have this picture in my head on how things were and I'm wrong. I've come to realize that our memories do change and they are affected by the things we do. And that's kind of scary. 

And I know I try and avoid the bad memories, the times that come to mind late at night when I should be asleep, but I don't think we should. I think that only hurts us more. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on my life and say how great it was, how I was blessed with so many great days even when it seemed like my life had more bad than good.

Memories will hurt, good or bad. There will be days when the memory of a sleepover with your best friends hurt so much, because you don't talk anymore. Or that day when you had a complete breakdown and cried for hours is the worst thing ever. But it's not. 

And life goes on, so you can create more memories more things to cherish and hide away from. And that's one of the most exciting things I can think of.

So, I guess all I can say to remind myself of this is, embrace the bad with the good and never be afraid to look back with fondness over your life. Just don't stay for too long, because life will move on without you. And you never know what might be waiting for you.

Love,
Natalie

3/22/13

There are moments in our lives we will remember. Things that made us extraordinarily happy or things that made us depressed or things that made us angry or things that made us feel loved. All these things and a lot more. 

Moments like these we don't really notice, until they're over and you think back about that night and your like  "that's what made it matter." It might be stupid things like someone smiling at you on your walk home after you've had a really horrible day. Or someone asking you how you are and they really want to know. Or even  having someone to hug you on a day that feels like the last. Those are moments that can't be forgotten. 

They're ingrained in our minds and our hearts. They're connected to people we loved, cared about, or maybe just tolerated. They're connected to feelings. 

I've always thought about how certain things would make such great pictures if I had my camera with me. Sunsets, family gatherings, friends, and just the world. But that would make life really hard. I'd always be trying to get the right shot. I wouldn't take the time to look around and enjoy life. 

The eye of a camera only shows so much and if you're always looking from behind it you'll never know what you could be missing. So take your picture, have that memory, but look up every once in a while and just live.

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Remember

Remember, Remember...

Maybe love stays, maybe love can't, maybe love won't, but never stop loving the people around you.
Life is hard and there will be days you want to give up, but keep going.
Courage is not always a roaring lion, sometimes it's a whisper at the end of the day saying, "I'll try again tomorrow."
Always try again and again.
Be strong.
There will be people who want to hurt you, and when they do turn to them, smile, and go on.
Friends can be found in the unlikeliest places.
Listen to the people who love you.
Don't let anyone put you down for the choices you make. 
Love hurts, but that hurt is worth it.
Take a deep breathe.
Have faith and everything will be okay.
Visit your family every once in a while, no matter how old you become or how far you go. They will always be waiting.
Live a life you're proud of.
Being alone isn't always lonely.
Don't be afraid of your emotions. They're what makes you human.
You are not perfect and you will make mistakes and that's okay.
Sleep.
Even when you're feeling your loneliest, God is there. You just need to listen. 

Love,
Natalie

(These are some of the things I try and remember when I'm not feeling my greatest. I hope they help for some of you.)

The Boy and The City

It was time to start over. A new city, a new school, and a new life. He was ready. It had been  long time coming. He needed a new start. It would be good for him.

If he could just get over his fear. His fear of change and new things. His fear of leaving behind the things he found comfortable for things that were new and foreign. These things weren't the only things he feared though. He also feared being forgotten.

It was easy in his small town to be known for something. You were the quarterback or the head cheerleader or the lead in the play. You always had a title. In a big city, you were just another face with another story that the people you passed might never know. In his town you grew up with the same people from preschool to high school graduation. It wasn't like that when he moved, no one took time to get to know each other. It seemed like no one cared.

But that wasn't it. Because people cared and he saw it all the time. Small acts that would go unnoticed unless you were looking closely. And he was looking. He needed to look. Because he wasn't sure he'd make it if he never saw the small acts of good. He just wasn't sure.

Maybe that's what made him such a good listener. Maybe that's why he would always be willing to sit with a homeless person and hear their story or listen to an old man talk on the subway. He wanted to be sure of something in his life and he thought that listening would help that. That it would make it easier to believe there was good in the world. But he realized that wasn't really the case at all. If anything it amplified the bad.

It seemed like people only wanted to talk about the bad things going on in their life. Especially with strangers.   Because it's easier to talk about things that hurt or scare you with strangers than with people you know. If strangers judge you, it's one thing, if someone you love judges you it can destroy you.

That's what made the city feel so safe to him. There were thousands of strangers merely coexisting in the same space, but that could at some point become connected because of a simple "hello." That was a comforting thought for him.

He may never take advantage of his anonymity. But it was nice to know that it was there. If he were to ever need it. Sometimes it did make him feel scared. Like no one cared. But he knew that just wasn't true. He'd SEEN that it wasn't true.

So, that's why he liked the city so much. Every was politely coexisting in each others stories and occasionally, when the time was right, two stories would cross at just the right time and it was like no other feeling. To be able to see this, to be a part of this amazing thing that happens, well he couldn't think of a better place to live.

He was finally happy. And free. And nothing was going to make him change his mind.

(This is a story of fiction born out of my want to go to a city and get lost in it's amazingness.)

But they could tell you how rare friendship always is. The chances are slim. The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low. But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both. I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later. I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard. Friend- I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself. I want to be air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy. When the walls come down- when the thunder rumbles- when nobody else is home, hold my hand- and I promise- I won't let go.--Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye

I just love this quote because it shows what a true friendship is like. It's about being there no matter what and caring about each other without abandon. 

“It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”--Unknown

I Don't Hate Me

I'm going to steal my lovely friend Sarah's idea. Here is the link to her amazing post, but the premise is to name ten things you don't hate about yourself. And that's a lot harder than it sounds. So here goes:

1. I don't hate my eyes. They're a really dark brown and have a nice shape to them. They also can't hide anything. They're window to my mind and soul.
2. I don't hate my passion about things. If I really care about something or want to accomplish something then I won't give up. I put my heart into my work and it shows.
3. I don't hate my ability to love the people around me. Even if they're strangers or family, I always try to make people feel loved because that's how I want to feel.
4. I don't hate my smile. It may not be the straightest or the whitest, but it's always there when I'm happy and laughing.
5. I don't hate my creativity. I'm always thinking of new things to try to make or finding new inspiration. I find my writing and drawing to be relaxing and very cathartic when I do it and I think I'm getting better at it every day.
6. I don't hate my job. It can get pretty hectic and crazy, but it's an amazing place to be. I love the people who work their and being able to teach these amazing kids at the same time.
7. I don't hate my ability to connect with kids. It's something that I've always just been able to do. I love working with them and teaching them.
8. I don't hate my hair. It's brown, wild, curly and uncontrollable, but I love it. 
9. I don't hate my arms. They are covered in bracelets given to me by friends or made by myself and are always open to comfort people who need it. 
10. I don't hate myself. There are things I wish were different even though I can't change them, but I don't hate myself. And I never could. I was fearfully an wonderfully made by an awesome God and who am I to hate something that He made.

I'm not going to lie, this was a lot harder that I thought it would be, but it was refreshing. I never take the time to think about the good things about myself because I always notice the bad first. I'm going to try and think about the things I like about myself more now. We'll see how it goes.

Love,

Natalie

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”--The Winter Of the Air

3/14/13

With everyone I know talking about prom and getting their dresses and date and everything it's made me really think about how sad it makes me that I won't actually have a prom. I mean there is a home school prom, but who wants to go to a dance where you know no one else and everyone is just standing around awkwardly staring at each other? Not me.

I guess that's a down side to being home schooled. You miss out on these "milestones." And I know not everyone goes to their prom and everything and truthfully if I were at the school I probably wouldn't, but I guess the fact that I don't even have the choice makes me feel kind of sad.

It feels like I'm missing out on a right of passage, but then again I've never even been on a date, so what would I know about any of that. 

I know it's dumb and when I look back I'm going to not even remember feeling like this, but I just wanted to get it out.

Love,
Natalie

Reminder of You

Once again I'm sitting here listening to it rain and all I can think about is you. How much you always loved the rain. How you said rain could washed away anything if you let it. It always makes me think of you when it rains. I wonder how you are, where life has taken you, what kind of person you've become. Whether you did all those things we talked about doing...because I know I didn't.

I guess that's something that happens as you grow up. Things begin to remind you of people you've known. People you've been blessed to have in your life. Little things that you don't even think about until they happen and you realize that these people come to mind.

The rain does that for me about you because that's when we met. That rainy, horrible day in the middle of the summer where I thought nothing cold go right. The day that I was ready to just give up. You cam along and you made my life sunnier, at least for a little while. Maybe that's why rain always makes me happy and a little bit sad.

I was so blessed to have known you, to have even been able to meet you. And I thank God for that every day. You were the best friend a person could ask for and I don't know what I would've done without you. And I can only hope you feel the same. I just want you to know this will never be goodbye. It will be a see you later. Because I know you'll wait for me. Even if I take a while to get there.

Love,
Natalie

(This is a work of fiction. But it's also sort of for my best friend. Because I don't tell her how much she means to me enough.)

Five Minute Friday

Today's topic is home. 

Five minutes

GO!

What an awesome word home. IT brings up so many memories, some good, some not so good, but always amazing.

Home is where I've lived for 16 years of my life. It's games of baseball and kickball and capture the flag and nerf fights with everyone in the neighborhood. It's staying up late and having amazing conversations at sleep overs with friends that are more like sisters. It's always  feeling safe.

Home is dance class, church, family gatherings. Home is my granparents houses during the summer because that's where the pool is and it's everyone gathering for birthdays and Christmas and every other holiday in between.

Home is my sanctuary. The place where I can just be. 

Love,
Natalie

To This Day Spoken Word


Love this video/ poem. It's just perfect.

On Celebrities and Titles

Do you ever think about how weird it is that we make out celebrities or people we like from the internet into these amazing people and they're really just normal people who have had this really awesome thing happen to them? Because I just was.

It's weird though. We put these people up on a pedestal, like when did we decide that this was something that some people got to feel and others didn't? Who decided that people in movies or on tv or online or anyone who has any sort of audience were "more important" than everyone else?

And maybe that's why a majority of celebrities, of any kind, have a time where they have a "breakdown." Because it is not normal for someone to have that much responsibility or to have to always worry about what your doing and how you look. That's just not something that people can handle without breaks every once in a while.

It's a dangerous thing to imagine a person as more than just a person, because they will eventually disappoint you by doing something you would never expect. And I guess that's the thing, maybe us making these people into something more than just a person is what makes it worse. We expect so much and are disappointed when they make one mistake, but that's what human do, make mistakes.

I don't really know what the point was to this, but I guess if there is one it's this: Try not to make people into more than what they are because it will disappoint you. And sure that's kind of depressing, but I think it's better to have a realistic view on people than to make them into some sort of idol who you think can never do wrong. People make mistakes and they change and it can't be stopped. So, sure have your role models or people you admire, just remember they are people too. And don't think to badly of them when/if they mess up.

Love,
Natalie

“I’m not saying that at some point love isn’t staying up until 2am phone calls or stealing kisses when you least expect it or instantly falling for each other’s favorite songs - because it is - or at least that’s what the lead up to it feels like, but real love is so much more. It’s going out at 12am to get something to eat for your wife who can’t get out of bed. It’s listening to them as they explode with vulnerability on your living room couch, talking about how they were only so young when their parents passed on. It’s remembering how someone likes their coffee in the morning without asking - without ever asking. It’s visiting someone in the hospital knowing the last thing you want to do is see them in that condition. It’s wanting to be with that person despite everything, the future, the past, and everything in between. It’s the intimate things that you don’t even realize involve such intimacy, but they do in secret, like the pinky promises you two made behind your back, to love one another for always, in the time you thought you were in love, when you were actually just on your way to it."--Unknown

3/6/13

That's the thing about the internet. You can always find people who are like, "Oh this is great."--Andy Samberg

I was listening to the Nerdist Podcast with Andy Samberg last night and he said this quote. And it made me realize how  lucky we are now to have the internet. It's such an amazing thing. We can put something up on it and the people who like it will find it, and sure some people who don't like it will find it too, but they won't stay. The internet gives everyone a chance to be heard by the people they want to be  heard by. It gives everyone an audience. You just have to be brave enough to put yourself out there. Dare to suck. 

That makes me so excited for the future and everything that can be accomplished because of this amazing invention. This thing that gives people who may not have a chance to be heard a platform to talk on. And yes that's a dangerous thing, but it's something everyone should have the right to. 

So even if you don't have the most followers, or subscribers, or "friends", that shouldn't matter. What should matter is the people who are following you, subscribed to you, friends with you are these things because they care about what you say. And that's something special.

Love,
Natalie 

3/4/13

“I know today is Monday and you assume it’s going to suck, but according to statistics, there will be over 5,000 weddings, 10,000 childbirths, and 42 million hugs occurring today throughout the United States. Also today, there will be at least 4 people that will win the multimillion dollar lotteries, 600 people will get promotions at work, and 3,000 people will lose their virginity. There will also be 600 dogs adopted, 35,000 balloons sold, and 800,000 skittles eaten. Plus, the words “I love you” will be said over 9 million times. So again, I know today is Monday and you assume it’s going to suck, but just smile, because according to statistics, it should actually be a really nice day.”--Via Tumblr
I love this quote. It make you realize even though you may not like the beginning of the week, there are always amazing things happening around us. Even if we don't get to see them all the time.

Five Minute Friday

Today's topic: Ordinary

Go

I've never really liked the word ordinary. It always seems to be synonymous for boring or mundane. And none of these are things I have ever seen in this world.

I've never looked outside and thought how ordinary things are. I've always thought of them as extraordinary. From the way the sun never stops shining and the way that people are always changing and growing and connecting to one another. 

There are so many "ordinary" things that I see to be extraordinary:

Family

Friends

Being happy

Reading an amazing book

Sitting in silence and being content

Great movies

Hugs

Promises

Loving and being loved in return

Pets

Waking up in the morning

Delicious food

Christmas

Birthdays

Finally being able to do that math problem

And so many more

These things are everyday things. Things that people do all the time and never really think about. Things that we might not always be thankful for, but we would miss if they weren't there. 

I think that's what ordinary is. Having these extraordinary things that happen and not always noticing until they aren't there. 

Love,

Natalie