Five Minute Friday

Okay, I'm going to be honest, I wasn't going to do this today but then I saw the topic and I felt like I just needed to. So here goes.

Today's Topic: Friend

Thank you. That's what I want to say to you.
Thank you and I love you. I hope you know that.

I'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad we never grew apart.
Even at the worst we were there for each other.
We know things about each other that we won't share with anyone else.

Life hasn't been easy for either of us.
We've had some pretty rough times.
But we made it.
Even though the world seemed against us, we made it.

I wish I could see you more.
I wish we talked more.
But I love that when we see each other it's like we never had the time apart.

I'm glad you fought.
I'm SO glad you beat your depression.
I'm glad you survived.
I don't know what I would do without you.

I hope you know this.
I hope I let you know how much you mean to me.
I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.

We started as strangers and now we're sisters.
I couldn't think of a better person to share my life with.
Thanks for choosing me.

Love,
Natalie

4/25/13

I’m really pissed right now and this is just a rant, so if you've clicked this you’ll probably want to just leave right now.

Okay, so I have this one dance teacher who I used to really like and she was a great teacher who really pushed you to do something even if you were afraid to and I loved that. But now it’s like she doesn't even care.

She also has said horrible things about one of the girls in our class because she’s overweight and my teacher wanted a certain costume but it didn't come in the right size for everyone. And she’ll gossip about the other girls in class when they aren't there which I just find to be unprofessional.

And that’s not even the worst of it. She’s literally said to some of the girls who have asked her for help with our dance that “the world goes on even when they’re not there,” and then didn't help them. What kind of teacher does that!?

I know that she has had her own personal issues and everything, but you don’t get to bring your problems and make them everyone else’s. You’re a teacher, we’re there for you t teach us. The fact that we, as a class, have choreographed basically half of the dance this year and basically the whole dance last year is unprofessional. And it’d be nice if she would show up when she’s supposed to too.

It used to be that I would go to her class after a bad day and everything would get better, but now I dread having her class. And truthfully I wouldn't care if she didn't stay after this year like she keeps saying she will.

Her favoritism for certain students because she used to be their color guard teacher is just the icing on the cake. When you can literally sit in her class and just tell that she favors these certain people, it bothers me because there are at least ten other people who deserve the help she gives her favorites.

I only hope that since the guard girls are all graduating this year that it will get better, or that she leaves. Because I can’t take much more of this shit.

On Worrying Too Much

This video describe something in my life I've never been able to really tell someone about. I've always been one to make sure everyone else is okay and happy before I even think of myself. I worry about things that I can in no way control and I don't know how to not do that. So I try to embrace. And I try to make other people realize that worrying about something, even if there is nothing you can do about it, is okay. Just try not to bottle it all up. I'm working on that, and I'm not very good at it yet, but I'm getting there. And I'm so thankful for that to everyone who listens, especially you guys. Thanks.

Love,
Natalie

My Manifesto

I will live my life. I will love recklessly. Have hope even when the odds are against me. I will get out and see the world, even if I end up coming back. I will dance like no one is watching and sing as loud as I can. I will not be afraid...of sharing how I feel, of being wrong, of failing. I will fail and then fail better until I get it right. I will live my life for me and God and ignore the critics. And when those comment get to me, I will let myself cry. I am allowed to be weak sometimes. Everyday I will take a deep breath, look around, and be amazed by   the beauty around me. I will be thankful. I will be proud. I will be humble. I will teach, and be taught, everyday. I will try to always remember that life is hard, but the bad days are going to be followed with great days. My happiness will not depend on other people. I can be alone but nit be lonely. Life is a balancing act and sometimes you'll drop things, but you're probably better off without them. Things change, people leave, and life goes on. Just remember that. Life goes on...always. Don't let your depression get to you, and if you think it's winning, talk to someone. You have so many people who love you, don't make them worry about you too much. Do crazy things when you're young, but don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell your kids about later. Live, appreciate life, and always remember how fragile the world is. 

Love,
Natalie

Life Hurts

All she had ever wanted was to fall in love. To love and be loved... that was her dream. And he had always been a part of that dream, until he wasn't.

She liked to get drunk. She did stupid things and he cared about her when she did. He would take care of her and that's what she wanted. She wanted him and her together, taking care of each other, forever. And so she gets drunk night after night just so he'll care for a little while longer. And for that little while she felt amazing. 

That's the thing about relationships, you put yourself out there and it's terrifying how much one person can hurt you. She had never realized this until he stopped caring. She never knew how that one person could completely destroy her. But he had. And she didn't know if she would be able to get over it.

There were many nights she would lay in her bed and just stared up at the ceiling, not crying, just thinking. Thinking about how things would be different if he was there. She spent time imagining another life, where they were together and happy. And the next day she would be heart broken again. That was the time she wished she didn't have to go to sleep. 

Her friends didn't know what to do. They tried to distract her, tried to make her happy, but it all seemed pointless. She didn't want to forget. She still had hope. When doors would open, she'd look up to see if it was him, or when the phone would ring her heart would skip a beat before she answered and was disappointed. 

Healing was something that took time. Some days were good, others were terrible. And she slowly began to forget, but at times she would still be reminded of him. But the reminders came farther apart and when they did come, they hurt less. The ache was still there, but with a happy memory behind it. 

No, she still wasn't completely over him. But she was getting there. And that was better than anything else. She realized that you shouldn't put your happiness into the hands of another person. You're responsible for letting someone hurt you, so make sure you on;y give your heart to someone who will treat it well. 

Sure, this lesson may not have completely sunk in yet, but she was young, she was allowed to love the wrong people. And yeah, she was going to get hurt more, but she wasn't going to let it destroy her again. Getting hurt is a part of life, and it teaches you more about yourself than you realize. 

Life is hard, and some days, or weeks, or months, or even years feel like they will never end and things will never get better. But it does, and you realize how much it matters to get hurt and to grow from that. She learned this lesson through it all...Life goes on, even if it seems like that's not possible.

(New story I've been working on. Hope you like it!)

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Here

I always have this fear in the back of my mind about not being good enough. This niggling thought that if I were more this then things would be better and some days, some days it's hard to not let that little voice win.

It's hard when the bully is yourself, your own mind, because you can't get away from it. You can't get away from your own mind.

And some days, some days that's all I want. To be anywhere but here. To be far away from my little town and all the people here. To be away from the monotonous everyday life and to go on an adventure. But that's another terrifying thought or at least quite a ways off.

So, I'm here and I'm okay...or I will be eventually.

I hate the quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Like no. If you want to cry then cry, freaking sob! Let out those emotions and be proud about it. And then when it's all out, when you're feeling better, then you should smile. Because  you're feeling better. Because you're happy again. So, smile, but also cry, because you're human and that's what we do. 

Love,
Natalie

4/9/13

There's a feeling I get when I'm dancing, and I've never been able to explain it. It's like a high. I feel so free and happy and like everything that's going wring at the moment is insignificant. It helps me forget and it helps me express myself when I have no other way to.

I love the feeling of stretching after going a long time without it or the feeling of finally figuring out how to do something you've been working on for weeks. The ache in my legs, the blisters on my feet, they remind me that sometimes things hurt before they become beautiful. Because dance is beautiful to me, but it hurts.

I am so thankful that I have found a place that cares about their students love for dance more than competing and winning. And I'm so thankful that I have found this way to express myself. It's amazing how therapeutic dancing to a song that represents how you're feeling can be. 

Dance has always made me happy, and I think it always will. Whether I continue after I graduate or if I just go watch, I'll always feel a since of peace and happiness walking into a theater and seeing a stage. There's just nothing like it.

Love,
Natalie

Good Days and Bad Days

Today has been such a great day and I don't know what has made it different from the past few weeks, but it was. I can feel it.

I've smiled more, laughed more, and just been in a better mood today. And I'm so glad! It's been a while since I've felt this good and I always sort of feel disappointed when I have weeks when I'm depressed or just not really feeling it. But when the days or weeks come that I'm feeling great and I'm happy I feel invincible.

I love that feeling when I get it too. I feel like there is nothing that could stop me, nothing that can ruin the way I'm feeling. I feel infinite.

But the bad days, the days where I'm just not feeling it, those days aren't good. I just want to lay around and I'm tired all the time. I don't want to do anything, I don't put any effort int the things I have to do. It's just sort of like I'm floating through life. Those are days I wish I could skip.

But I don't think I would be the same without having the good and bad days. They've made me become stronger and they've made me work harder when I didn't necessarily feel like it. I guess that's something that you never really think about until you realize how much your days are affected by your attitude and how much you can't fully control chemical imbalances.

Love,
Natalie

The Stigma of Mental Illness

I know this has been done by many people, but I wanted to give my opinion on this subject because it's something that I feel really passionate about and have a lot to say about.

It seems like even in a world where depression and other mental disorders is quite common there is still this stigma that it's something to be ashamed of. It's seen as something that shouldn't be discussed in public. People are afraid they'll be judged because of their disorder and therefore won't tell anyone.

That just makes the problem worse though. Because we, the people who have these mental disorders, internalize almost everything. If we're sad we keep it in, if we're angry we keep it in, even sometimes if we're happy we keep it in, because we don't want to hold other people responsible. We don't want someone to feel like they have to fix us, because we can't be fixed. And that's OK!

People think of mental disorders as things like depression, schizophrenia, and extreme cases like that. But there are so many that are a lot less noticeable and a lot less discussed. Panic attacks, anxiety, multiple personality disorder, and things like that are swept under the rug, forgotten. And the people who suffer from those disorders that aren't often talked about and discussed tend to feel like they have to hide their problem, like it's something to be ashamed of because no one's talking about it.

But we can talk about people physical ailments all day long. I can ask about your friend who's going through cancer treatments, or you can ask how my friend is after surgery, and that's normal. But when it comes to asking somebody about their mental health it's top secret and it's taboo to discuss. I feel like that's why so many kids and teenagers who suffer from these disorders don't want to talk about it, because they think it's wrong and that they're weird for having this thing that's different about them.

So, how do we change this? How do we change societies mindset?  And I don't have that answer, but what I can say is that we have to start with ourselves and the people around us. We have to show them that we shouldn't be afraid to talk about our mental health. Start with one person, talk to them about it...be completely honest...hold nothing back. And you'll realize how amazing that feels and want to keep going. Trust me it's hard and it's scary and oh my gosh it makes you want to puke sometimes, but do it anyway. You'll be surprised by what the people around you have been going through themselves and you might just find that you have more in common than you thought.

So start with yourself, change your attitude. You'll be surprised by how much that can change the people around you.

Love,
Natalie