Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Being Alone
I'm not much for being alone. I'm a people person who craves a connection with everyone I meet. Not in a romantic way or anything like that, I just want people to care about me as much as I care about them.
I do realize that I tend to be someone who cares for people a little quicker than is probably normal, but I think it's some sort of security thing. I attach myself to people to make myself feel safe especially when I'm in new places.
I know this is something that can be very dangerous and it can be something that can get me hurt, and I've been hurt. But I just can't help it.
After being home schooled the past few years I've come to realize that there are a lot of people that will change when they get older and they aren't really people I want to be associated. I also realize that most people aren't going to put int he effort to stay in contact and to occasionally catch up on each others lifes. It's become something I've just accepted.
Becoming attached to someone is something that is scary. I like to put all of my effort into my relationships and I know that it's something that not a lot of people do. I just want to have someone who I am able to share my thoughts and feelings with and know that they understand what I'm going through. Sometime I just need that elementary school best friend back.
Being open is something that has taken me a long time, and at times I'm still very shy and introverted, but I need to feel connected.
If I spend time on my own, especially a long time, then I begin to doubt and think myself out of being happy. I'm really good at doing this.
I'm also really good at pretending everything is okay and the whole smiling while I'm hurting thing is something I have down to a science. This is probably a bad thing, but it's my way of protecting the people around me and not losing them. I care more about not hurting them, than not hurting myself. To roughly quote one of my favorite books The Fault in Our Stars, I'm a time bomb and when I go off, I don't want my shrapnel to hurt everyone.
So, I keep the hurt to myself and I try to make as many people I know happy, and I cut ties with those people who are bad for me.
I don't expect to continue talking to the same people I am now, I don't expect to still be friends with them when I am in college. This thought both frightens and excites me.
Maybe the fact that I'm always longing to feel connected with the people around me is bad, but to me it's what makes me want to get to know new people and it's what gives me my excitement for life.
Love,
Natalie
I do realize that I tend to be someone who cares for people a little quicker than is probably normal, but I think it's some sort of security thing. I attach myself to people to make myself feel safe especially when I'm in new places.
I know this is something that can be very dangerous and it can be something that can get me hurt, and I've been hurt. But I just can't help it.
After being home schooled the past few years I've come to realize that there are a lot of people that will change when they get older and they aren't really people I want to be associated. I also realize that most people aren't going to put int he effort to stay in contact and to occasionally catch up on each others lifes. It's become something I've just accepted.
Becoming attached to someone is something that is scary. I like to put all of my effort into my relationships and I know that it's something that not a lot of people do. I just want to have someone who I am able to share my thoughts and feelings with and know that they understand what I'm going through. Sometime I just need that elementary school best friend back.
Being open is something that has taken me a long time, and at times I'm still very shy and introverted, but I need to feel connected.
If I spend time on my own, especially a long time, then I begin to doubt and think myself out of being happy. I'm really good at doing this.
I'm also really good at pretending everything is okay and the whole smiling while I'm hurting thing is something I have down to a science. This is probably a bad thing, but it's my way of protecting the people around me and not losing them. I care more about not hurting them, than not hurting myself. To roughly quote one of my favorite books The Fault in Our Stars, I'm a time bomb and when I go off, I don't want my shrapnel to hurt everyone.
So, I keep the hurt to myself and I try to make as many people I know happy, and I cut ties with those people who are bad for me.
I don't expect to continue talking to the same people I am now, I don't expect to still be friends with them when I am in college. This thought both frightens and excites me.
Maybe the fact that I'm always longing to feel connected with the people around me is bad, but to me it's what makes me want to get to know new people and it's what gives me my excitement for life.
Love,
Natalie
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
I want to talk about love today. I'm not going to go into this sappy lovestruck teenage babble about some cute boy who I am totally in love with after just meeting. No, this is about the love we feel and see around us.
When I'm with friends or family or even people I just sort of know but still care about I feel this love for them. They each have their own type of love and they each mean something different to me, but they are all still loved.
My friends have a love that I tend to call the "chose family" love. That's because they are people I've chosen to be important to me. They are put i that special place by me and they do become like a second family. My friends are amazing and I would never want to change what they mean to me. Being a friend to someone is also important to me, because I know how important having a friend who you know cares is.
My family has the "family love." Sometimes I may hate them with a passion and wish I was never a part of my family, but then I realize that my family is kind of awesome. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love my family, but they can be kind of crazy sometimes. I may not have been able to pick my family, but I sure was blessed with a pretty amazing one and that's all I could ask for.
Now those people that I just sort of know but still care about are a special group. They are people who I don't count as friends but they are more than acquaintances. These are people that I love and care about and they may not feel the same, but that's okay. I tend to be someone who throws herself into a relationship and I realize that not a lot of people are like that. I also tend to get attached very quickly and start caring about people way too soon.
There is another love that I want to note. And that's the love that we see all around us. Parents with their kids, siblings, couples. If you've ever been somewhere like an airport then you've seen this love. The love between these two strangers you may never know, but it is so real ad tangible. A love that almost everyone can relate to at some point.
Being in love is beautiful. It's also something that happens every day. So be careful with your, but let yourself love other unconditionally because you ever know when love might find you. We always seem to have some sort of love in our lives, so never forget that there will always be someone, somewhere that loves you. Even if it doesn't feel like at that moment.
Love,
Natalie
When I'm with friends or family or even people I just sort of know but still care about I feel this love for them. They each have their own type of love and they each mean something different to me, but they are all still loved.
My friends have a love that I tend to call the "chose family" love. That's because they are people I've chosen to be important to me. They are put i that special place by me and they do become like a second family. My friends are amazing and I would never want to change what they mean to me. Being a friend to someone is also important to me, because I know how important having a friend who you know cares is.
My family has the "family love." Sometimes I may hate them with a passion and wish I was never a part of my family, but then I realize that my family is kind of awesome. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love my family, but they can be kind of crazy sometimes. I may not have been able to pick my family, but I sure was blessed with a pretty amazing one and that's all I could ask for.
Now those people that I just sort of know but still care about are a special group. They are people who I don't count as friends but they are more than acquaintances. These are people that I love and care about and they may not feel the same, but that's okay. I tend to be someone who throws herself into a relationship and I realize that not a lot of people are like that. I also tend to get attached very quickly and start caring about people way too soon.
There is another love that I want to note. And that's the love that we see all around us. Parents with their kids, siblings, couples. If you've ever been somewhere like an airport then you've seen this love. The love between these two strangers you may never know, but it is so real ad tangible. A love that almost everyone can relate to at some point.
Being in love is beautiful. It's also something that happens every day. So be careful with your, but let yourself love other unconditionally because you ever know when love might find you. We always seem to have some sort of love in our lives, so never forget that there will always be someone, somewhere that loves you. Even if it doesn't feel like at that moment.
Love,
Natalie
Monday, November 5, 2012
I may have said this before, but I am a christian and I do believe in God. But the God that I believe in doesn't hate.
I've always been taught that the God I believe in accepts anyone and we shouldn't judge people just because they are different. That's not our job.
There was one time when I was little that my family went to an amusement park and it happened to be their gay pride weekend. There were people there protesting and they had signs saying "God hate gays" and worse things (I'm sure you can figure out what those are.) When we went by them either me or one of my brothers looked up at my parents and said, "Why do they keep saying that? God doesn't hate anyone."
Now, I don't actually have memory of this, but after that statement my parents said you could tell that those protestors were uncomfortable.
And that's the thing. If a child can know that God doesn't hate and that we have no reason to hate someone because they're different then why can't grown adults?
Maybe it's because that's what I've always been taught ad maybe it's because I'm not afraid to think different from other people. But what I do know is that I would never want someone to persecute me just because I'm different, so I'm not going to persecute anyone else.
I believe there is one God in this universe and that that God doesn't condone hate or intolerance. We are to treat others as we want to be treated. Passing judgement on a group of people for one thing isn't something I feel is right or something I feel is something I should do.
I'm under the belief that the God I believe in loves everyone, no matter what, so that's how I choose to live my life. I hope that's how you choose to live yours too.
Love,
Natalie
I've always been taught that the God I believe in accepts anyone and we shouldn't judge people just because they are different. That's not our job.
There was one time when I was little that my family went to an amusement park and it happened to be their gay pride weekend. There were people there protesting and they had signs saying "God hate gays" and worse things (I'm sure you can figure out what those are.) When we went by them either me or one of my brothers looked up at my parents and said, "Why do they keep saying that? God doesn't hate anyone."
Now, I don't actually have memory of this, but after that statement my parents said you could tell that those protestors were uncomfortable.
And that's the thing. If a child can know that God doesn't hate and that we have no reason to hate someone because they're different then why can't grown adults?
Maybe it's because that's what I've always been taught ad maybe it's because I'm not afraid to think different from other people. But what I do know is that I would never want someone to persecute me just because I'm different, so I'm not going to persecute anyone else.
I believe there is one God in this universe and that that God doesn't condone hate or intolerance. We are to treat others as we want to be treated. Passing judgement on a group of people for one thing isn't something I feel is right or something I feel is something I should do.
I'm under the belief that the God I believe in loves everyone, no matter what, so that's how I choose to live my life. I hope that's how you choose to live yours too.
Love,
Natalie
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'm having one of those weeks it seems to where that I just want to be able to leave. I'm so close to being able to just choose to get in a car and leave for a while and figure out what is missing and it feels like it can't get here soon enough.
The thing is, I probably won't. I'm so afraid of making everyone around me happy and making sure that what I'm doing isn't going to upset anyone. I'm all about pleasing the people around me, even if it means I'm not happy at that very moment.
Maybe it's just because I'm beginning to realize that this may not be the place for me. But, I also realize I hope that I never become someone who never gets to caught up in their life to come back and visit where I grew up and the places that do mean a lot to me, but maybe aren't where I'm meant to be.
There's something odd about having this feeling. Especially with the fact that I've never been one to just go off on my own for a long time. I have this terrible anxiety when I go on family vacations. So, maybe there is a reason that I'm feeling like this now.
I've still been feeling sad lately, but not as bad as it was earlier. I don't know what that meas, but I guess it's a good thing.
I've always been the people pleaser, like I said earlier, but I hope I can start to change that. Being happy and content with myself is something I'm working on and probably will work on for most of my life. And that's okay. I just hope that at some point I will be able to have the confidence to be myself ad not care about what others may think.
I think it takes time and maybe I need to get away at some point and figure out who I want to be. But I have a lot of time for that.
And Sure, one day I'm going to eventually have to decide to grow up and face the world, but that's not anytime soon and I'm so glad. Because it still terrifies me to some degree and college definitely does. So, I just try to forget about it and ignore the facts.
This is really just something I've bee feeling lately and wanted to write down.
Love,
Natalie
The thing is, I probably won't. I'm so afraid of making everyone around me happy and making sure that what I'm doing isn't going to upset anyone. I'm all about pleasing the people around me, even if it means I'm not happy at that very moment.
Maybe it's just because I'm beginning to realize that this may not be the place for me. But, I also realize I hope that I never become someone who never gets to caught up in their life to come back and visit where I grew up and the places that do mean a lot to me, but maybe aren't where I'm meant to be.
There's something odd about having this feeling. Especially with the fact that I've never been one to just go off on my own for a long time. I have this terrible anxiety when I go on family vacations. So, maybe there is a reason that I'm feeling like this now.
I've still been feeling sad lately, but not as bad as it was earlier. I don't know what that meas, but I guess it's a good thing.
I've always been the people pleaser, like I said earlier, but I hope I can start to change that. Being happy and content with myself is something I'm working on and probably will work on for most of my life. And that's okay. I just hope that at some point I will be able to have the confidence to be myself ad not care about what others may think.
I think it takes time and maybe I need to get away at some point and figure out who I want to be. But I have a lot of time for that.
And Sure, one day I'm going to eventually have to decide to grow up and face the world, but that's not anytime soon and I'm so glad. Because it still terrifies me to some degree and college definitely does. So, I just try to forget about it and ignore the facts.
This is really just something I've bee feeling lately and wanted to write down.
Love,
Natalie
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