12/12/13

People are weird. And wonderful. We're happy and sad and everything in between. We're able to love and to hurt others. We're able to make promises and to break them. We're unlike anything else in the world. All unique and yet made in the same image. All created by God and yet, not all believers.

We're questioning, always wondering. Trying to find answers to questions that have been asked for centuries. Never complacent. Always searching: for answers, for adventure, for love, for companionship, for everything.

People don't seem to realize just how special they are. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes, even the most confident. Because we're all just scared and lonely people trying to make it in a world that seems to try and destroy us any chance it can get. So, we all need that reminder at the end of the day.

So, I'm going to give that to you today.

Remember that you're amazing and there are people out there who love you and that no matter what it may seem like, you are important. and loved. and so much more. 

Love,
Natalie

Thankful

With Thanksgiving coming up in just a few days it has got me thinking. This one's going to be a hard one.

You never really think about how things will be without someone until you have to. And it's something that I would never want anyone to have to go through, but we do. Because loss is a part of life, and if we never experience it then that means we're doing something wrong.

Experiencing important things and feeling like there is someone missing who should be there is hard. And something that never goes away. Some days all you want is to talk to that person one more time, or just see them. But you can't.

There are a lot of things that I am thankful for. And I'm so lucky to have wonderful people in my life who love and care about me unconditionally. That's what I'm thankful for this year. And always.

Love,
Natalie

Dear God,

Sometimes I don't understand why You let somethings happen.
Okay I almost always don't understand why.
But I know there has to be a reason.

That one day things will be better.
That life will go on.
Because it has to.

And I may not know what Your plans for me are.
But I know there's a plan.
And that's almost all the reassurance I need.

Because this life will have bad times.
But I know it's only temporary.
And I know I'm here for a reason.

And if that's not one of the most wonderful things ever,
I don't know what is.

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Truth

Truth isn't always easy. It isn't always nice or pretty. It can hurt. And it usually does. But truth is special and rare. Life is full of truths. Things people know to be true. And the funny thing is no one has exactly the same truths. Everyone's truths are different because people are inherently different. And that's what makes life so amazing. Because for this brief span of time where we're all on this earth together, we get to learn other truths. We get to learn things that will change our life, that will make us think, that will make a profound change to our lives.

No, truth is not always pretty. And it's not always welcome. But it can change the world if we let it.

Love,
Natalie

Questions

1: What would you name your future daughter?
I really like the name Emma or Clara.

2: Do you miss anyone?
Yes, too many to count.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
 I'd probably get all giggly and shy but say thank you.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
 Yep

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
My birthday

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
stay in

7: How late did you stay up last night?
probably about 11:30

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Probably

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
School work

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Unfortunately

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Absolutely

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Yeah

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Always and forever. They're disgusting.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
I'm pretty lucky and have a couple.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Yeah. I have the problem of getting way too attached too quickly.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Yep

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes, and it makes me even more upset when that happens.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
No, not yet

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope

20: Who did you last see in person?
My brother

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
I laughed. Does that count?

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
No

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
No, but I hope to one day.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Probably too good.

25: Do you use chap stick?
Always

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
I don't remember.

27: Are you listening to music right now?
No, which is weird because I usually am

28: What is something you currently want right now?
I can't really thing of anything.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
No kisses, so nope

30: How is your heart lately?
It's okay. Healing from a break.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Sometimes, but not usually

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Yesterday

33: What do people call you?
Usually Natalie, but I have a couple nicknames that are used at times.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Yes, too many times. And I almost always regret it.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Not right now, other than the normal things like school and work.

36: What are you listening to right now?
Youtube video

37: What is wrong with you right now?
Who knows!

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Yeah it is.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
If I catch it.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
5 different bracelets, but it's usually more.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Waiting for the unexpected

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Work

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
No, at least not yet.

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Yes

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
No

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Kind of, yeah

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With someone else. Waking up with someone there makes my day that much better.

49: Have you ever been to New York?
No, but one day I will.

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes, and I meant it when I told them I loved them back.

Eleanor & Park

Have you ever read a book that has ever completely affected you to the point where you feel like you are the character in that book? Because I just finished one that did that to me and it has me longing for a hand to hold and someone to cuddle with at night. It has left me longing for a real, passionate kiss. It's left me longing for someone to hold me close and tell me I'm special. This book has changed me. It has affected me in a way I could never really imagine a book would be able to. I've never experienced anything like this in such an intense way. I cant get it out of my mind. And to be honest, I wouldn't say that this was the best book I've ever read, but I will say that it's one of the most real books I've ever read. And I think that's why it has had this affect on me. Because it was real.

Love,
Natalie

Loss

I'm going to be honest and tell you I wasn't going to write this. I don't really want to write this now. But I feel like I have to. To have closure.

My Grandmother passed away Tuesday and is being buried tomorrow. This was completely unexpected and I still feel a little in shock about it I guess. Today made it feel a little more real, but I feel like tomorrow is going to be the worst. She had a stroke on the Wednesday before and  was taken to the hospital and put in the neuro-intensive care unit and was then put on a respirator on Saturday and then the swelling in her brain just got to be too much and by Tuesday she just wasn't there any more.

I know we're going to be okay. I have an amazing family and we're close. We're not going to let anyone break. But it's hard and it hurts. She was always there and now she suddenly won't be.

I do hold onto this though. I have a little cousin (who isn't really a cousin but it's complicated to explain) who is wise beyond his years and when he found out she had died he went outside to where his family has a cross carved out of a stump and kneeled there for a while and then wandered around a field near his house for a while and came back and told his mom that "we shouldn't worry because she was in a better place and looking down on us now." And whenever someone they've known has died the next day the sky has always had a beautiful color to it. And that next day when she was taking him to school the sky was the brightest orange and red that she had ever seen. So to me that's a sign that we shouldn't worry or be sad because she's in a better place and she's looking down on us and watching over us now.

And I know she wouldn't want us to cry. She would want us to remember the good times and smile and laugh and spend time together because that's what made her happy.

Tomorrow's going to be hard. It's probably going to be one of the worst day's I've ever experienced but I'm going to face it and I'm going to know that everything is going to be okay. It has to get easier, right?

Love,
Natalie

The Good in the World

The world has a lot of horrible things that happen in it everyday. And it's like no matter where you look something devastating is happening. And it was never like that when you're a kid. The world was a wonderful place where you were always safe and nothing could hurt you. You never knew about the bad stuff because the people around you didn't want you to think that the world was a place full of sadness and danger. But then as you get older you see more. You hear more. You have to become more aware of the bad.

And it seems like there is more bad in the world than ever before. But I don't think I believe that. I think the bad makes for better news stories. I think it makes people more likely to tune in or to click the link, but I believe that there is still just as much good if not more in the world as there is bad. It just doesn't make for a good headline.

I mean which are you more likely to read, "Person pays for strangers groceries" or "Person goes on shooting spree." I know which one I would choose, and I feel like it's because the good things are usually little things. They're usually things most people don't think about until they happen to them or someone they know. They're less noticeable than the bad.

And when the bad gets sensationalized and the bad guys name gets put out there and everyone knows it, it makes these evil people infamous. Even if it's just for a little while and then it makes other people think that infamy is better than no fame at all. And that's really sad.

All I know is that this world is not bad. There are bad people, but the good ones, they far outnumber the bad ones. That I believe. And the good of people, is incomparable to anything else on this earth. And yeah, the bad is going to seep in and make the world seem dark, but there is always a light to brighten the world. There is always good. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder.

Love,
Natalie

Dear Old Friend

How are you?
I've missed you.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope you're happy
and loved
and proud
and confident.

Because you deserve that.
I hope life gives you wonderful things.
And I hope that you give wonderful things back to life.

I know it's been a while.
I know I should've worked harder.
But I'm so glad that we've gotten to know each other again.
I didn't realize what I had been missing.

I've missed you.
I'm sorry I stopped trying for a while.
I'm glad we're back to sisters.
I'm glad life has seen fit for us to have each other in our lives.

I am so lucky.
Thank you for taking me back.
I love you.

Love,
Natalie

Friends

Have you ever had any of those friends that you don't really talk to all that much and you can go like a couple months or even more without saying anything and then when you do finally talk to them it's like you have never stopped talking to them in the first place. I feel pretty lucky because I have a lot of people like that in my life. And in the past week I've gotten in contact with two of these people and they're pretty important people to me.

The first was a best friend of mine I've known since the fourth grade. And the other is someone I've probably known since I was in preschool. And I have to admit, that I am the type of person who doesn't do well with keeping in contact with people. But I do love my friends and when I do talk to them and get to see them I am extremely happy.

I've come to realize that most of my friendships are like this. And it's probably because I don't have something that keeps us together like school or anything like that. Having friends when you're young is easy. You have to talk to these people and hang out with these people for your formative years. You're kind of stuck with them for a while. But when you don't have that thing to keep you in contact and you don't put forth effort then you're not going to have friends. And that's a terrifying thought.

Spending this time talking and catching with these two people recently has made me realize that friends are really precious and if you don't work at your friendship then it's going to crumble. Friends are special people and it's really weird to think that there are these people in the world that care about how your day was or someone who is willing to just sit in silence and enjoy your company. It's a weird thought, but it's also really comforting.

Love,
Natalie

Summer of Firsts

I've been thinking about this summer since it's almost over. And I've realized that it's been a summer of new experiences.

I had my first experience of helping with Relay for Life which was absolutely amazing. I've never felt so much hope and love in one place. It was great to see some friends I hadn't seen in a while and to spend time with some others who I hadn't really gotten to know until then.

I have worked for the first time all summer. Doing things that I'll probably never do again in my life like working in a butterfly habitat and getting to build and play all day and get paid for it. It was exhausting, but I wouldn't want to have done anything else.

My family and I visited Charleston for the first time ever and I absolutely loved it. It was one of the first times I ever imagined myself living somewhere that wasn't where I currently reside. And even though it rained every day that we were there that didn't stop us from exploring the gorgeous city known a Charleston. It really is something you have to experience at least once in your life because it's like going back in time.

I went white water rafting for the first time as well and that was probably another highlight of my summer. It was always something that I wanted to do but never imagined that I would get to, so when I did the experience was just amazing. It's definitely something I have checked off the bucket list and am looking forward to doing again as soon as possible.

This has been a really crazy summer and it has gone by way too fast. Which is what I always thought old people said, so I guess that makes me old now. But it really has. And yet I wouldn't change it for anything because it was absolutely amazing. Especially compared to last summer.

I'm still waiting on a couple of big firsts. But I guess they'll happen at the right time. And I just need to be patient which really sucks because I'm not good at being patient. But I'm thankful for the firsts I have had and am highly anticipating the ones to come.

Love,
Natalie

The Train Station

He was here everyday at the same time. Just waiting. No one knew what for, but there he sat for an hour everyday anticipating something that never came. Day after day, for years. And still nothing ever came. But he kept coming and sitting and waiting. Then one day there was someone else waiting there too. Seemingly not for the same thing, but just waiting for something. And that person asked the question everyone else always wondered.

"What are you waiting for?" That was the question, something to make conversation while they both sat and waited. He turned toward her and she noticed the sad smile on his face before he said, "I'm not sure, but I'm going to be here when it happens." Then he turned back around and said nothing else. The girl's friend arrived and she left, but only after saying goodbye to the man.

And he continued to wait. He became a staple at the station. Everyone who worked there knew who he was. He was the man who was waiting... for something. But no one knew what that something was except for him. But he was sat there every day on the same bench all day. Just waiting.

No one at the station knew what to do about him. He never bothered anyone, so they decided to just let him sit and wait. He would talk to them when business was slow at the station and tell them all about when he was young and how the world had changed. And then one day he didn't show up. And he was missed. But the workers assumed it was a fluke, that he was sick and would be there the next day but when he wasn't there after a week they began to worry.

A few more weeks passed and there was still no sign of the man until one day when someone who looked familiar walked in and went up to the counter. He was the old man's son and he'd been sent to tell the workers that his father was in the hospital and wouldn't be able to come back to the station. But he would. He came every day, just like his father and then one day what he was waiting for came.

No one noticed at first. The small box that came on the mail train addressed to the man. But it was found and given to his son who left with it straight away.

The workers waited for him to return once again. And they waited and they waited. It was over a month before the man returned. He hadn't planned on ever coming back if he were honest. But his father had told him to. He wanted to make sure that his friends knew why he had been there in the first place. Even if they didn't understand.

A picture. That was what had come on the mail train. Of a couple. The man in uniform and the woman in a gorgeous dress. The way they looked at each other said it all. They were in love, happily in love. And it was all that he had left to remember her by. And some days he could remember every detail about her and then there were other days where he couldn't even remember her name, but he knew that she was the love of his life. He never forgot that.

That day the was the last day that they ever saw the man or his son ever again. And every time the mail truck came in they would think of the old man who would sit and wait for it every day and wonder about him. They never found out what happened to him, but they knew that wherever he was he was happy. Because he was finally with the woman he loved and he wouldn't forget anything about her ever again.

I Don't Know

I don't admit to knowing a lot of things. I don't know why people hurt each other, why we fall in love with strangers, or why life can be so hard. I don't know why I hate math or why the sky is blue.

But I do know that crying is okay. In fact it can be more than okay. It can be what fixes you. I know that knowing things and believing things are usually completely different. I know that chocolate and a movie can fix almost any heart break. I know I fall slightly in love with some strangers I pass on the street.

I don't know why bad things happen to good people or why some people end up alone. I don't know why having faith is so hard sometimes, but so easy at others. I don't know why you can feel alone in a room full of people.

I do know that being alone and being lonely aren't the same. I know that hearts are going to be broken, but the ripping just makes it grow back stronger. I know that people can surprise you, in good ways and in bad. But you have to give them a chance first.

I don't know if life really does get better.

But I know that I want to be here to test that theory. I know that there will be days that seem impossible to get over, but they'll be the ones I'm grateful for the most when the times come to look back. I know that life is an adventure. I know that living is for mistakes.

I may not know a lot, and I'm definitely still learning. But what I do know is that if you have love, hope, and faith anything is possible. No matter how cliche it may seem.

Love,
Natalie

P.S. I've really started to get back into writing recently, so I'm hoping to be posting a little more often than I have been. 

Love Letter To...

A long, hand written, love note. That's something I've always wanted in my life. To receive a love letter telling me all the ways someone loves me. All the ways they think I'm special or important. And maybe one day I will get one, but for now I have these words that I want to share and no one to share them with but you. So here goes nothing.

Late at night I get nostalgic. For things I've never had. Like someone to cuddle with while watching a movie or a someone to hug after a really bad day and know they mean it. Little things like that. Things that seem insignificant, but when you look back mean more than you could ever imagine.

I hope you know that you are this person for me. You make me so happy when you wrap me in your arms or when you sit and listen to me talk about something you couldn't care less about. You make me feel like I matter. And I hope I do that for you too.

Because you do matter, a lot. Everything about you matters. And never let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let people look down on you because you care about something that you have no control over or because you get excited about things the find stupid. You deserve to care about whatever you want and I can only hope that I am one of those things.

Being nostalgic for something that you've never experienced is an odd feeling. It's like you're missing a piece of yourself, and I don't think you ever really feel whole again after that. Because imagining something and it actually happening are two completely different things and they're incomparable.

I'm working on this love thing. But I'm working on myself first. I need to be able to love myself wholeheartedly before I can think about loving you. So wait for me. Wherever you are and know that I'll be there as soon as I can. With open arms and stories to tell.

Love,
Natalie 

Leaving

It had finally come. The day she'd been waiting for since the moment she had entered high school. But now that it was here, she wasn't so excited. She was kind of terrified. Okay, more like extremely terrified.

Leaving had always been hard for her. Whether it was leaving her family to go to camp, leaving her camp friends to go home, or leaving to go on vacation. She was afraid things would change while she was gone. She was afraid life would go on and the people she was leaving would forget her.

That's why she was so terrified of leaving now. Because now she was leaving for good. There was no coming back in a week or a month. This was her final farewell. And maybe that was a bit over dramatic, but she deserved to be sometimes damn it.

Maybe there would be the occasional weekend visit to the parents, but it wouldn't be home anymore as it had been for the last eighteen years of her life. She was now going to be responsible for everything. Paying bills, buying groceries, waking up on time, cleaning the house, all of these had just been done or she had been told to do for the majority of her life and now she was the one making those decisions.

Life has a way of making you see how hard things can be and usually you learn that for yourself the hard way. By messing up. A lot. That's what she was afraid of most. Messing up and not being able to fix it. Because that's what she did. She was a fixer. She knew it would happen one day, but she never really thought about it until she was getting ready to leave because that was when it hit her. She was doing it. She was going to go out in the world and she may screw up. A lot. But she was going to be okay. Or she would be.

She turned to get a look at her childhood house for the last time. Being reminded of all the memories made and all the things that would be missed about it. She smiled and turned back finally feeling like an adult. Her first decision had been made and she was confident about it. Now to just keep going.

(Love,
Natalie)

7/10/13

I don't know if any of you who read this are religious in any way, but tonight at church my youth group was practicing a song for a program we're doing Sunday and I just felt this amazing feeling that I can't really put into words. The best way I can describe it is that I felt completely and totally free. Free of fear, free of anxiety, free of failure, just free. And that's so amazing.

This is the song if you want to listen to it.

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Beautiful

Sunrises and Sunsets, New friends and old, Smiles, Sunshine, Family, Kindness, Love, Faith, Sundresses, Bracelets, The Beach, The Ocean, Animals, Friends that make you smile on bad days, Compliments from strangers, Flowers from kids, Good hugs, Holding hands, Seeing people in love, Being in love, People who listen, Happiness, Strangers becoming friends, New experiences, People, Life, You and me.

Love,
Natalie

6/19/13

"Life throws you curve balls." I've always been told that. When something bad would happen, when something unexpected would happen, when life got hard and I didn't think I could get through, I was told this. I didn't understand it, and you know what, I still don't really get it. All I know is this. I'm bad at catch, and life has been throwing curve balls at me for a while and I've been missing them. And it's starting to hurt.

These are the bad days. The days where I don't know what to do. Where I don't want to do anything. I don't know why this happens or what to do about it, but it makes me angry when this happens. Then there are the occasional good days, the days where it seems like nothing can go wrong and that everything is getting better. But then it gets bad again.

It's taken me a while to get used to this. And I'm still not totally okay with it, but I'm getting there. I'm getting better at catching those curve balls.

The days where it seems like everything is going wrong. Or the days where there I'm not feeling good, those are the days I realize how much the little things matter. Because that's what will make my day better. Something small, something so minuscule no one else would even care, but it made my day worth it. Like finding a penny on heads, or getting flowers from kids, or being told I look pretty from a stranger or someone I know on a day I'm not feeling it.

Life's been getting better lately because of the small things and that's all I can say right now. Sure, some days are still bad. But it's becoming less frequent and now I can handle them a little better. I don't just shut down. I deal with it and wait for the next good day. So that's what I have right now. Good days and bad. And I couldn't ask for anything better. At least I'm here.

Love,
Natalie
(This started out as a fictional piece but became a lot more real than I'm willing to admit. So I'll leave it up to you to decide which part is which.)

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Listen

I'm a good listener. I get stuck in my head and lost in my thoughts easily. I don't talk well with strangers. I'm not good at starting up, or holding, conversations with people I don't really know. I'm shy, and it takes a while until I can be comfortable around someone new, but I promise that I can listen.

Need someone to vent to, cry to, or maybe just someone to hear about your day. I can do that. I like to do that. I'm not good at conversation. I much prefer silence, but I love to hear about other people. I like making other people happy. 

Life can get to you sometimes and you need someone to talk to, and I like to listen. I keep my own problems to myself, which I know isn't good, but it's what I do. But if I can help someone else by just listening, then I'll be there. Waiting with open ears and an open heart. I won't judge. Pinky Promise.

Love,

Natalie

6/3/13

This has been one of the most amazing weeks of my summer so far. And yeah, it has just started but that just makes me even more excited for what's to come. It's not like there were these amazing things that happened either but it was just a lot of awesome little things and spending my time with amazing people.

1. I started the week off with work. This week was pretty amazing too. I adore what I do, but sometimes it can get boring just standing around and not having anyone to pass the time with. This week was different and I met tons of kind, lovely people. 
2. I then went to the local farmers market in town. There were so many amazing things there that I would've loved to buy if I had had the money. There were gorgeous flowers, homemade bread, fresh fruit, and homemade honey. I love going to places like that just because of the atmosphere and the fact that everyone is always free to chat if you want to. 
3. Then it as work again for me. This day was also amazing and I got to meet more lovely people and received several hugs from the kids for letting them play with the butterflies. 
4. Then I volunteered at Relay for Life the next night. This is an amazing cause and one I hold in a special place in my heart. When a friend asked me to help her out I decided to go and I definitely don't regret it. I worked at the inflatables and got to meet even more lovely people who are a part of an amazing community. 
5. I woke up the next morning obnoxiously early and left with my youth group to go to The Baptist Children's Home. Which is a "orphanage" type place for kids that is supported by the Baptist church. I adore this place and what they do. We went down for a clean up sort of day and worked in their storage are separating shoes by size etc. This was just a great day of spending time together with people who are what I aspire to be one day. It was inspiring to say the least
6. Then to end the week my cousin, older brother, and I spent last night watching movies and just hanging out. 

It's easy to overlook these things in the long run. Eventually I won't think of these things as anything important, but right now they are and I couldn't be happier about that. I guess it takes time to realize that the little things are what matter. The moments where you stop and think "I'm so glad I'm here doing this right now." even if they aren't what you will always remember.

Love,

Natalie

Nostalgia

Every now and then I'll hear a song on the radio or while I'm listening to my iPod that I haven't heard in a while and I'll get this weird sort of nostalgia. It's like they trigger these memories and these feelings. It's like when I go somewhere I haven't been in a while but it hasn't changed and my memories match up perfectly with the way it is now. It makes me feel safe when this happens. Like no matter what these things will be there to greet me no matter how far away I go.

The fact that I already feel this sort of nostalgia for certain things kind of scares me. I'm sixteen. I shouldn't long for a time when I used to dream about being this old. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe I looked forward too much. Maybe I put too much of an expectation on growing up. Maybe I built up the idea of being older when I was younger because when your young all you want to be is older.

This nostalgia scares me. I don't want to spend my life looking back all the time. But I guess that's a part of life. Being reminded of your past so you can learn and grow. I know things change, that's just life. And pretty soon my memories and pictures will be all I have of this time in my life. A skewed viewpoint, you could say. Showing the good, but never the bad. That's what I find so amazing about our connections we put onto things. Like a song or a movie-- you can g back and listen or watch these things and feel everything you felt when you heard/saw it for the first time. You feel the good and the bad. But to have those constants, even if they seem insignificant to other people and even when your miles away there is something comforting about that. Something that just makes me feel content. Like I always have somewhere to come back to.

Love,
Natalie

Poetry And Other Good Words (playlist)

5/26/13

I know it's been awhile, and I really did have something that I was working on but I accidentally deleted it and then life got crazy and I sort of didn't thin anything else about it. I still don't really know what to write about. So, I'm just going to start and see what happens.

I've had quite a few exciting things happen this week so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

1. I had my last dance class of the year before we start back in August. It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most people because I'll be back in just a few months, but dance plays such a big ole in my life I always feel like a little piece of me is missing until I get back.

2. I started working in the butterfly exhibit where I work at. That's a lot of fun, but it's also exhausting. There's nothing like seeing a kid light up when they get a butterfly to land on them and you can just see how excited and proud they are. It just makes you smile too.

3. The dress rehearsal for my dance recital (which I will talk about next) was on Thursday and it's always one of my favorite times because you can just feel the excitement in the air. This year's had a lot of kinks, but  as the saying goes "a bad dress rehearsal makes for a good performance."

4. And if I say so myself, our performance was pretty awesome. I love getting up on stage and just letting go and being. It did make me sad that some of my family couldn't be there, but I got to see a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a while which is always amazing. I had to say goodbye to a lot of great girls that I wouldn't be seeing next year since they were graduating and I will miss them dearly.

5. I also finished my sophomore year this year. Which I'm still trying to wrap my head around. And most days just ignoring. I'm going to be a junior this coming year! Life is going by a lot quicker than it used to and I wish it would slow down again.

6. I don't know of any plan for this summer other than work for me, but I do know that I want to see my friends and I want to meet new people and I just want to explore the world around me. I want adventure. Even if it's just going to a park I've been going to since I was a baby and taking a new trail. I want something great out of this summer, I'm just not sure what that great thing is yet. But I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Love,
Natalie

Growing Up

I don't know when it happened, but I've come to realize that I don't really feel like a kid anymore. I mean just last year alone I got a job, got my license, and I had to do taxes! I'm not sure I like it.

I just looked through all my old yearbooks from when I was still in school and old things that I had written in my diaries and it's made me miss those times. The times where everyone in your grade was your friend and that no one cared if you were friends with a boy or not because it wasn't a big deal. They were just more friends, not someone you might want to date or someone you secretly love. None of that mattered. You were friends because they were the people you spent the majority of your time with.

I've come to realize that out in the "real world" when you don't have school to make friends, it can be really lonely. You have the people you work with (if you have a job) but they're your "work friends" and you feel like you have to be a certain way when you're with them. Or your like me and all of the people you work with are all adults and don't have to worry about having to get home before nine or telling their parents where they are and when they'll be home.

Being a kid was the best. You didn't have to worry about schedules because your parents did that. You didn't have to worry about money because that's what birthday's and Christmas and any other holiday was for. You didn't have to worry about the way you looked because none of your friends cared if you had the newest clothes or brand names because that's not why they were your friend. You didn't have to worry about anything, because your job was to have fun and be kid and the adults job was to worry.

God I miss that.

Being able to not worry about schedules and if I'm going to have to work when I need to do something else, or just having free time would be nice. If there were a day I woke up and didn't want to go straight back to sleep would be nice too. Just to be able to have as much energy and to look at the world everyday with the wonder that kids do, I would love that.

I don't know when I began to become this "adult/kid" that I am now, but what I do know is that I'm going to stop trying to grow up so fast. I always couldn't wait to grow up when I was younger, but now I just wish I could be a kid again. When a kiss from a parent would heal anything, from a scraped knee to hurt feelings. Or when I knew my stuffed animals came to life when I left, so I would have to sit them with other animals they liked. I just want to be able to look at the world and always see the good. I want my innocence back, when I didn't know anything about the horrors of the world, when I felt like I was invincible. I just want to be  a kid again.

Love,
Natalie

I just got back from training for a new part of my job where I work. This place is a science center and I have literally been going there since I was probably about 2 years old and I have so many good memories there and specifically in this exhibit (it's a butterfly house) and I'm so excited to be able to form those memories for other little kids. I've never really liked science and I in no way can even begin to say that I know a lot about anything I teach about, but I try, and I adore my job. Being able to teach kids and adults alike about how many amazing things are out there in the world just makes me so excited. Sure there are days where I would rather not have to go to work, but I think everyone has those days, and on those days specifically I always have a moment where I think to myself "I'm so glad I am here right now." Sometimes I take this for granted, but today I've come to realize how much I love my job and how much I care about my job. I'm glad I had one of those moments today, because I needed it. Being a part of this company, this amazing place, it's something I would've never imagined me doing at this time in my life, but I'm so glad that it did. 

Thoughts On Depression

Here's the thing about depression and what I've learned about it during my life. Either dealing with it or seeing  people I love deal with it, I've learned a lot. The main thing I've learned is that it doesn't matter who you are, what you've been blessed with, anyone can be depressed.

You can be rich or poor, have any color skin, be a Christian or hold whatever belief you want, it doesn't matter. None of these things affect whether or not you will have the chemical imbalance that causes depression. Because that's what depression is, and you can't control it.

The fact that some people say that if you are a Christian or if you have this thing in your life or if you do this thing, then you won't be depressed anymore. That's just a lie. There is no way to "fix" depression. You can take medication that reduces the affects depression has on you or you can even have lengths of time where the depression is almost no existent, but it doesn't fix it.

 It's hard to deal with depression, especially when you have people around you who either don't think you are depressed or they think that if you just suck it up you'll get better. And those people make me really angry. They make you feel worse about the way you feel, which no one should feel entitled to do. I know that if I had a choice between being depressed or not I wouldn't choose the one that makes me feel like crap  90% of the time. I think people forget that sometimes. That we don't get to choose that we feel like this sometimes.

People make being depressed seem like this thing that no one should talk about, like if we don't talk about it it will just go away. But it won't. It's something you have to deal with all your life and there will be good days and there will be horrible days, and you just have to keep going. Even when life seems like it's trying to completely destroy you.

I don't know how to make it better, and truthfully I don't think you can. There will be times in life where the darkness seems like it's engulfing you completely. Like there is no way the light can break through, but it does. And all I know is you have to keep going, even when you don't want to.

Love,
Natalie

These Things I Know To Be True

1. Life is going to hurt. 
2. Crying can make you either feel better or worse. You'll never be able to tell which it will be until you've already started.
3. Family is the most important thing you have in this world, don't let them forget you care.
4. A best friend will be what gets you through everything your family can't. Choose them wisely. 
5. Country music, ice cream, and Chinese food can fix almost everything.
6. Life isn't fair, but some days it will feel like you're always getting the worst of it.
7. When you don't know what to say, just stay quiet and hug. That can be more comforting than anything else. 
8. Have hope, even in the darkest of time. Because the sun has to come out eventually.
9. Being alone and lonely are completely different.
10. Take your time with love. Heartbreak can change you, and not always for the best.
11. Always treat people the way you want them to treat you. Even if they don't return the favor. 
12. Being brave isn't always noticeable. 
13. Get someone else's opinion, but make sure you know the consequences before making any decisions.
14. Take deep breathes. It helps.
15. Spend time with the people you love. You never know what the next day may bring.

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Brave

I'm lucky to know  so many brave people. But I think some people get forgotten in their bravery. Their bravery is quieter, less noticeable.

Like the bravery it takes for someone to get up and go on with their day when they feel like it's worthless. Or the bravery when someone is hurt by another person, but they forgive them and they forget. Bravery is needed in all the parts of our life. I just don't think we notice it enough.

Being brave, it isn't about fighting an illness or standing up to the bully. It's about getting up each morning and going through life with a smile, even when you are hurting. Being brave is sharing your feelings with people who loves you and you love. Being brave is admitting when you're wrong. Being brave is apologizing.

The bravery in people isn't always seen. But I think that's for the best. If we knew how brave everyone was all the time, then we would be too afraid to ask for help from them, we'd feel inadequate. People's bravery isn't always obvious, you have to search for it, and sometimes their bravery looks like weakness. But being brave isn't about defeating all your demons on your own. No, being brave is about asking for help when you're at your lowest.

Love,
Natalie

Horror Movies and Books

I watched this YouTube video on why we need the horror genre by Michael Martin and I really liked what he had to say about it, so I thought I'd write about how I feel about them here.

I've always been really into horror and fantasy books ever since I started reading. I loved the Goosebumps books (which I grew up reading and it sort of fostered my love for reading.) and I have a special place in my heart for Carrie by Stephen King and a series that I've only read the first book of because it's out of print now, but it's called the Fearless series and it's by Francine Pascal. I've also always loved horror movies, but that's because most of them are hilariously bad either in action or in CGI.

But there is something about the horror genre that I find so fascinating, and I always thought I was the only one who thought this about it. And that's that horror has a great story, because it's light versus dark. You can always tell the evil from the good. And you know who's going to win. But life isn't that certain. It's more grey.

I think that's why I like that genre so much. It's black and white. Good versus evil. And good always wins. And in life, it doesn't seem to work out that way. You see the bad, the evil in the world and you can't imagine these things, but they're out there and it seems that they are getting worse and no one is there to stop them. But there is always a hero in books and movies. 

It's scary sometimes to think about all the evil in the world. But then when you see horrible tragedies happen you always see people out there helping them. So, maybe the world doesn't have a single hero, maybe were all our own heroes fighting our own personal evils and helping each other out when they need us. Maybe we're the good. 

Horror is a great genre, because it doesn't say that monsters aren't real. It says they are real, but they can be defeated and that's what is important. Knowing the monster can be slain makes us feel safe. We may not have that certainty in life, all of our monsters might not be able to be slain by ourselves, but that also shows that we're human and sometimes we need help. And there will always be someone ready to take up a sword and fight along with you. You just have to ask.

Love,

Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Okay, I'm going to be honest, I wasn't going to do this today but then I saw the topic and I felt like I just needed to. So here goes.

Today's Topic: Friend

Thank you. That's what I want to say to you.
Thank you and I love you. I hope you know that.

I'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad we never grew apart.
Even at the worst we were there for each other.
We know things about each other that we won't share with anyone else.

Life hasn't been easy for either of us.
We've had some pretty rough times.
But we made it.
Even though the world seemed against us, we made it.

I wish I could see you more.
I wish we talked more.
But I love that when we see each other it's like we never had the time apart.

I'm glad you fought.
I'm SO glad you beat your depression.
I'm glad you survived.
I don't know what I would do without you.

I hope you know this.
I hope I let you know how much you mean to me.
I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.

We started as strangers and now we're sisters.
I couldn't think of a better person to share my life with.
Thanks for choosing me.

Love,
Natalie

4/25/13

I’m really pissed right now and this is just a rant, so if you've clicked this you’ll probably want to just leave right now.

Okay, so I have this one dance teacher who I used to really like and she was a great teacher who really pushed you to do something even if you were afraid to and I loved that. But now it’s like she doesn't even care.

She also has said horrible things about one of the girls in our class because she’s overweight and my teacher wanted a certain costume but it didn't come in the right size for everyone. And she’ll gossip about the other girls in class when they aren't there which I just find to be unprofessional.

And that’s not even the worst of it. She’s literally said to some of the girls who have asked her for help with our dance that “the world goes on even when they’re not there,” and then didn't help them. What kind of teacher does that!?

I know that she has had her own personal issues and everything, but you don’t get to bring your problems and make them everyone else’s. You’re a teacher, we’re there for you t teach us. The fact that we, as a class, have choreographed basically half of the dance this year and basically the whole dance last year is unprofessional. And it’d be nice if she would show up when she’s supposed to too.

It used to be that I would go to her class after a bad day and everything would get better, but now I dread having her class. And truthfully I wouldn't care if she didn't stay after this year like she keeps saying she will.

Her favoritism for certain students because she used to be their color guard teacher is just the icing on the cake. When you can literally sit in her class and just tell that she favors these certain people, it bothers me because there are at least ten other people who deserve the help she gives her favorites.

I only hope that since the guard girls are all graduating this year that it will get better, or that she leaves. Because I can’t take much more of this shit.

On Worrying Too Much

This video describe something in my life I've never been able to really tell someone about. I've always been one to make sure everyone else is okay and happy before I even think of myself. I worry about things that I can in no way control and I don't know how to not do that. So I try to embrace. And I try to make other people realize that worrying about something, even if there is nothing you can do about it, is okay. Just try not to bottle it all up. I'm working on that, and I'm not very good at it yet, but I'm getting there. And I'm so thankful for that to everyone who listens, especially you guys. Thanks.

Love,
Natalie

My Manifesto

I will live my life. I will love recklessly. Have hope even when the odds are against me. I will get out and see the world, even if I end up coming back. I will dance like no one is watching and sing as loud as I can. I will not be afraid...of sharing how I feel, of being wrong, of failing. I will fail and then fail better until I get it right. I will live my life for me and God and ignore the critics. And when those comment get to me, I will let myself cry. I am allowed to be weak sometimes. Everyday I will take a deep breath, look around, and be amazed by   the beauty around me. I will be thankful. I will be proud. I will be humble. I will teach, and be taught, everyday. I will try to always remember that life is hard, but the bad days are going to be followed with great days. My happiness will not depend on other people. I can be alone but nit be lonely. Life is a balancing act and sometimes you'll drop things, but you're probably better off without them. Things change, people leave, and life goes on. Just remember that. Life goes on...always. Don't let your depression get to you, and if you think it's winning, talk to someone. You have so many people who love you, don't make them worry about you too much. Do crazy things when you're young, but don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell your kids about later. Live, appreciate life, and always remember how fragile the world is. 

Love,
Natalie

Life Hurts

All she had ever wanted was to fall in love. To love and be loved... that was her dream. And he had always been a part of that dream, until he wasn't.

She liked to get drunk. She did stupid things and he cared about her when she did. He would take care of her and that's what she wanted. She wanted him and her together, taking care of each other, forever. And so she gets drunk night after night just so he'll care for a little while longer. And for that little while she felt amazing. 

That's the thing about relationships, you put yourself out there and it's terrifying how much one person can hurt you. She had never realized this until he stopped caring. She never knew how that one person could completely destroy her. But he had. And she didn't know if she would be able to get over it.

There were many nights she would lay in her bed and just stared up at the ceiling, not crying, just thinking. Thinking about how things would be different if he was there. She spent time imagining another life, where they were together and happy. And the next day she would be heart broken again. That was the time she wished she didn't have to go to sleep. 

Her friends didn't know what to do. They tried to distract her, tried to make her happy, but it all seemed pointless. She didn't want to forget. She still had hope. When doors would open, she'd look up to see if it was him, or when the phone would ring her heart would skip a beat before she answered and was disappointed. 

Healing was something that took time. Some days were good, others were terrible. And she slowly began to forget, but at times she would still be reminded of him. But the reminders came farther apart and when they did come, they hurt less. The ache was still there, but with a happy memory behind it. 

No, she still wasn't completely over him. But she was getting there. And that was better than anything else. She realized that you shouldn't put your happiness into the hands of another person. You're responsible for letting someone hurt you, so make sure you on;y give your heart to someone who will treat it well. 

Sure, this lesson may not have completely sunk in yet, but she was young, she was allowed to love the wrong people. And yeah, she was going to get hurt more, but she wasn't going to let it destroy her again. Getting hurt is a part of life, and it teaches you more about yourself than you realize. 

Life is hard, and some days, or weeks, or months, or even years feel like they will never end and things will never get better. But it does, and you realize how much it matters to get hurt and to grow from that. She learned this lesson through it all...Life goes on, even if it seems like that's not possible.

(New story I've been working on. Hope you like it!)

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Here

I always have this fear in the back of my mind about not being good enough. This niggling thought that if I were more this then things would be better and some days, some days it's hard to not let that little voice win.

It's hard when the bully is yourself, your own mind, because you can't get away from it. You can't get away from your own mind.

And some days, some days that's all I want. To be anywhere but here. To be far away from my little town and all the people here. To be away from the monotonous everyday life and to go on an adventure. But that's another terrifying thought or at least quite a ways off.

So, I'm here and I'm okay...or I will be eventually.

I hate the quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Like no. If you want to cry then cry, freaking sob! Let out those emotions and be proud about it. And then when it's all out, when you're feeling better, then you should smile. Because  you're feeling better. Because you're happy again. So, smile, but also cry, because you're human and that's what we do. 

Love,
Natalie

4/9/13

There's a feeling I get when I'm dancing, and I've never been able to explain it. It's like a high. I feel so free and happy and like everything that's going wring at the moment is insignificant. It helps me forget and it helps me express myself when I have no other way to.

I love the feeling of stretching after going a long time without it or the feeling of finally figuring out how to do something you've been working on for weeks. The ache in my legs, the blisters on my feet, they remind me that sometimes things hurt before they become beautiful. Because dance is beautiful to me, but it hurts.

I am so thankful that I have found a place that cares about their students love for dance more than competing and winning. And I'm so thankful that I have found this way to express myself. It's amazing how therapeutic dancing to a song that represents how you're feeling can be. 

Dance has always made me happy, and I think it always will. Whether I continue after I graduate or if I just go watch, I'll always feel a since of peace and happiness walking into a theater and seeing a stage. There's just nothing like it.

Love,
Natalie

Good Days and Bad Days

Today has been such a great day and I don't know what has made it different from the past few weeks, but it was. I can feel it.

I've smiled more, laughed more, and just been in a better mood today. And I'm so glad! It's been a while since I've felt this good and I always sort of feel disappointed when I have weeks when I'm depressed or just not really feeling it. But when the days or weeks come that I'm feeling great and I'm happy I feel invincible.

I love that feeling when I get it too. I feel like there is nothing that could stop me, nothing that can ruin the way I'm feeling. I feel infinite.

But the bad days, the days where I'm just not feeling it, those days aren't good. I just want to lay around and I'm tired all the time. I don't want to do anything, I don't put any effort int the things I have to do. It's just sort of like I'm floating through life. Those are days I wish I could skip.

But I don't think I would be the same without having the good and bad days. They've made me become stronger and they've made me work harder when I didn't necessarily feel like it. I guess that's something that you never really think about until you realize how much your days are affected by your attitude and how much you can't fully control chemical imbalances.

Love,
Natalie

The Stigma of Mental Illness

I know this has been done by many people, but I wanted to give my opinion on this subject because it's something that I feel really passionate about and have a lot to say about.

It seems like even in a world where depression and other mental disorders is quite common there is still this stigma that it's something to be ashamed of. It's seen as something that shouldn't be discussed in public. People are afraid they'll be judged because of their disorder and therefore won't tell anyone.

That just makes the problem worse though. Because we, the people who have these mental disorders, internalize almost everything. If we're sad we keep it in, if we're angry we keep it in, even sometimes if we're happy we keep it in, because we don't want to hold other people responsible. We don't want someone to feel like they have to fix us, because we can't be fixed. And that's OK!

People think of mental disorders as things like depression, schizophrenia, and extreme cases like that. But there are so many that are a lot less noticeable and a lot less discussed. Panic attacks, anxiety, multiple personality disorder, and things like that are swept under the rug, forgotten. And the people who suffer from those disorders that aren't often talked about and discussed tend to feel like they have to hide their problem, like it's something to be ashamed of because no one's talking about it.

But we can talk about people physical ailments all day long. I can ask about your friend who's going through cancer treatments, or you can ask how my friend is after surgery, and that's normal. But when it comes to asking somebody about their mental health it's top secret and it's taboo to discuss. I feel like that's why so many kids and teenagers who suffer from these disorders don't want to talk about it, because they think it's wrong and that they're weird for having this thing that's different about them.

So, how do we change this? How do we change societies mindset?  And I don't have that answer, but what I can say is that we have to start with ourselves and the people around us. We have to show them that we shouldn't be afraid to talk about our mental health. Start with one person, talk to them about it...be completely honest...hold nothing back. And you'll realize how amazing that feels and want to keep going. Trust me it's hard and it's scary and oh my gosh it makes you want to puke sometimes, but do it anyway. You'll be surprised by what the people around you have been going through themselves and you might just find that you have more in common than you thought.

So start with yourself, change your attitude. You'll be surprised by how much that can change the people around you.

Love,
Natalie

New Mantra

“At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.”

—

Frida Kahlo I just found this amazing quote from tumblr and I've decided that this is my life. There are days where it seems like everything that could go wrong has and that nothing could make that day better. And yesterday was one of those days. I wish I could be one of those people who could always look on the bright side, but I'm just not programmed that way. So this is going to be my new mantra. Because it's true. By the end of the day, no matter how horrible it's been, I've realized that I could handle worse and I have handled worse. Now I just have to stick to it. Love, Natalie

86 Things I Learned In College | Thought Catalog

86 Things I Learned In College | Thought Catalog

My Experience with Anxiety

I just want you guys to know this is really hard for me write, but I think it's something that I need to share. (So if it's a bit rambly I hope you'll understand.)

Some of you may know that I am home schooled, but I haven't always been. I used to go to public school just like normal and I really liked it. I liked the kids in my class, the teachers I had, and even the school I went to. But around 4th grade I got horrible anxiety that made me physically ill and I couldn't make myself get and go to school.

It started as not a big deal, the school was fine with me missing because I was sick. But after I missed so many days they said if I kept missing I had to bring a doctors note back after each day I was out. Now you can see this would be a problem. And it wasn't like I was getting bad grades or failing anything, no I had just missed too many days.

Now when you go into a school principle's office to talk to them about the fact that you missing school that much was because of a sickness, and that sickness is caused by anxiety they don't really care to listen. They literally told my parents that they should force me to go to school and if I got sick there they would send me home. You can also see how that could be a problem when both your parents work full time jobs and can't exactly just get off to come pick up a child that's sick.

I completed 4th grade at that school, but the next year my anxiety had gotten so bad I wasn't even able to go to the first day. That's how terrified I was, and I truthfully have never figured out why. That was the year I started home schooling.

That was also one of the worst years of my life. I was sick for a lot of it, and I went to a lot of doctors who were all saying the same thing, there was nothing they could do and I just needed to be forced to go back to school. (Which is kind of hard to do when you're throwing up every morning. Just saying.)

I've tried going back to public school several time, but I've never been fully able to get over the anxiety.

I've been home schooled ever since that year and it's not my first choice, but it was the best choice and I've been blessed with so many opportunities I never would've had the chance at if I were not home schooled. Sometimes it does feel like I let the anxiety win, like if I had just pushed more, if I had just tried harder then I would've gotten over it. But I don't know if that's true.

Anxiety is something that isn't understood unless you have it. I'm lucky that I have people in my life, in my family, who do understand, who know what it's like because they've been through the same things. Anxiety also comes with this stigma that the person who has it is always scared, always anxious. Like they'll never be able to enjoy things. But I've found that to be untrue. With the right medicines, right support and the right amount of time, things will get better. Even if it's not how you expected or wanted it to.

Love,
Natalie

3/25/13

Memories are things we're supposed to look back on and see how we've changed. How we've grown, but I also think they're there to remind us of our past. So we never forget where we come from and how we've ended up at the place we're at. And sometimes those memories hurt, sometimes remembering will make us sad, but we need to do it anyway. 

Because the bad things aren't going to just disappear and they're the things that have shaped us. They've made us strong. And with every bad memory we'll have ten good ones. So yes, we'll remember moments in our life that we hate, that we wish we could erase, but without them we would be entirely different.

But sometimes I'll think back on a moment and have this picture in my head on how things were and I'm wrong. I've come to realize that our memories do change and they are affected by the things we do. And that's kind of scary. 

And I know I try and avoid the bad memories, the times that come to mind late at night when I should be asleep, but I don't think we should. I think that only hurts us more. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on my life and say how great it was, how I was blessed with so many great days even when it seemed like my life had more bad than good.

Memories will hurt, good or bad. There will be days when the memory of a sleepover with your best friends hurt so much, because you don't talk anymore. Or that day when you had a complete breakdown and cried for hours is the worst thing ever. But it's not. 

And life goes on, so you can create more memories more things to cherish and hide away from. And that's one of the most exciting things I can think of.

So, I guess all I can say to remind myself of this is, embrace the bad with the good and never be afraid to look back with fondness over your life. Just don't stay for too long, because life will move on without you. And you never know what might be waiting for you.

Love,
Natalie

3/22/13

There are moments in our lives we will remember. Things that made us extraordinarily happy or things that made us depressed or things that made us angry or things that made us feel loved. All these things and a lot more. 

Moments like these we don't really notice, until they're over and you think back about that night and your like  "that's what made it matter." It might be stupid things like someone smiling at you on your walk home after you've had a really horrible day. Or someone asking you how you are and they really want to know. Or even  having someone to hug you on a day that feels like the last. Those are moments that can't be forgotten. 

They're ingrained in our minds and our hearts. They're connected to people we loved, cared about, or maybe just tolerated. They're connected to feelings. 

I've always thought about how certain things would make such great pictures if I had my camera with me. Sunsets, family gatherings, friends, and just the world. But that would make life really hard. I'd always be trying to get the right shot. I wouldn't take the time to look around and enjoy life. 

The eye of a camera only shows so much and if you're always looking from behind it you'll never know what you could be missing. So take your picture, have that memory, but look up every once in a while and just live.

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Remember

Remember, Remember...

Maybe love stays, maybe love can't, maybe love won't, but never stop loving the people around you.
Life is hard and there will be days you want to give up, but keep going.
Courage is not always a roaring lion, sometimes it's a whisper at the end of the day saying, "I'll try again tomorrow."
Always try again and again.
Be strong.
There will be people who want to hurt you, and when they do turn to them, smile, and go on.
Friends can be found in the unlikeliest places.
Listen to the people who love you.
Don't let anyone put you down for the choices you make. 
Love hurts, but that hurt is worth it.
Take a deep breathe.
Have faith and everything will be okay.
Visit your family every once in a while, no matter how old you become or how far you go. They will always be waiting.
Live a life you're proud of.
Being alone isn't always lonely.
Don't be afraid of your emotions. They're what makes you human.
You are not perfect and you will make mistakes and that's okay.
Sleep.
Even when you're feeling your loneliest, God is there. You just need to listen. 

Love,
Natalie

(These are some of the things I try and remember when I'm not feeling my greatest. I hope they help for some of you.)

The Boy and The City

It was time to start over. A new city, a new school, and a new life. He was ready. It had been  long time coming. He needed a new start. It would be good for him.

If he could just get over his fear. His fear of change and new things. His fear of leaving behind the things he found comfortable for things that were new and foreign. These things weren't the only things he feared though. He also feared being forgotten.

It was easy in his small town to be known for something. You were the quarterback or the head cheerleader or the lead in the play. You always had a title. In a big city, you were just another face with another story that the people you passed might never know. In his town you grew up with the same people from preschool to high school graduation. It wasn't like that when he moved, no one took time to get to know each other. It seemed like no one cared.

But that wasn't it. Because people cared and he saw it all the time. Small acts that would go unnoticed unless you were looking closely. And he was looking. He needed to look. Because he wasn't sure he'd make it if he never saw the small acts of good. He just wasn't sure.

Maybe that's what made him such a good listener. Maybe that's why he would always be willing to sit with a homeless person and hear their story or listen to an old man talk on the subway. He wanted to be sure of something in his life and he thought that listening would help that. That it would make it easier to believe there was good in the world. But he realized that wasn't really the case at all. If anything it amplified the bad.

It seemed like people only wanted to talk about the bad things going on in their life. Especially with strangers.   Because it's easier to talk about things that hurt or scare you with strangers than with people you know. If strangers judge you, it's one thing, if someone you love judges you it can destroy you.

That's what made the city feel so safe to him. There were thousands of strangers merely coexisting in the same space, but that could at some point become connected because of a simple "hello." That was a comforting thought for him.

He may never take advantage of his anonymity. But it was nice to know that it was there. If he were to ever need it. Sometimes it did make him feel scared. Like no one cared. But he knew that just wasn't true. He'd SEEN that it wasn't true.

So, that's why he liked the city so much. Every was politely coexisting in each others stories and occasionally, when the time was right, two stories would cross at just the right time and it was like no other feeling. To be able to see this, to be a part of this amazing thing that happens, well he couldn't think of a better place to live.

He was finally happy. And free. And nothing was going to make him change his mind.

(This is a story of fiction born out of my want to go to a city and get lost in it's amazingness.)

But they could tell you how rare friendship always is. The chances are slim. The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low. But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both. I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later. I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard. Friend- I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself. I want to be air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy. When the walls come down- when the thunder rumbles- when nobody else is home, hold my hand- and I promise- I won't let go.--Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye

I just love this quote because it shows what a true friendship is like. It's about being there no matter what and caring about each other without abandon. 

“It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”--Unknown

I Don't Hate Me

I'm going to steal my lovely friend Sarah's idea. Here is the link to her amazing post, but the premise is to name ten things you don't hate about yourself. And that's a lot harder than it sounds. So here goes:

1. I don't hate my eyes. They're a really dark brown and have a nice shape to them. They also can't hide anything. They're window to my mind and soul.
2. I don't hate my passion about things. If I really care about something or want to accomplish something then I won't give up. I put my heart into my work and it shows.
3. I don't hate my ability to love the people around me. Even if they're strangers or family, I always try to make people feel loved because that's how I want to feel.
4. I don't hate my smile. It may not be the straightest or the whitest, but it's always there when I'm happy and laughing.
5. I don't hate my creativity. I'm always thinking of new things to try to make or finding new inspiration. I find my writing and drawing to be relaxing and very cathartic when I do it and I think I'm getting better at it every day.
6. I don't hate my job. It can get pretty hectic and crazy, but it's an amazing place to be. I love the people who work their and being able to teach these amazing kids at the same time.
7. I don't hate my ability to connect with kids. It's something that I've always just been able to do. I love working with them and teaching them.
8. I don't hate my hair. It's brown, wild, curly and uncontrollable, but I love it. 
9. I don't hate my arms. They are covered in bracelets given to me by friends or made by myself and are always open to comfort people who need it. 
10. I don't hate myself. There are things I wish were different even though I can't change them, but I don't hate myself. And I never could. I was fearfully an wonderfully made by an awesome God and who am I to hate something that He made.

I'm not going to lie, this was a lot harder that I thought it would be, but it was refreshing. I never take the time to think about the good things about myself because I always notice the bad first. I'm going to try and think about the things I like about myself more now. We'll see how it goes.

Love,

Natalie

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”--The Winter Of the Air

3/14/13

With everyone I know talking about prom and getting their dresses and date and everything it's made me really think about how sad it makes me that I won't actually have a prom. I mean there is a home school prom, but who wants to go to a dance where you know no one else and everyone is just standing around awkwardly staring at each other? Not me.

I guess that's a down side to being home schooled. You miss out on these "milestones." And I know not everyone goes to their prom and everything and truthfully if I were at the school I probably wouldn't, but I guess the fact that I don't even have the choice makes me feel kind of sad.

It feels like I'm missing out on a right of passage, but then again I've never even been on a date, so what would I know about any of that. 

I know it's dumb and when I look back I'm going to not even remember feeling like this, but I just wanted to get it out.

Love,
Natalie

Reminder of You

Once again I'm sitting here listening to it rain and all I can think about is you. How much you always loved the rain. How you said rain could washed away anything if you let it. It always makes me think of you when it rains. I wonder how you are, where life has taken you, what kind of person you've become. Whether you did all those things we talked about doing...because I know I didn't.

I guess that's something that happens as you grow up. Things begin to remind you of people you've known. People you've been blessed to have in your life. Little things that you don't even think about until they happen and you realize that these people come to mind.

The rain does that for me about you because that's when we met. That rainy, horrible day in the middle of the summer where I thought nothing cold go right. The day that I was ready to just give up. You cam along and you made my life sunnier, at least for a little while. Maybe that's why rain always makes me happy and a little bit sad.

I was so blessed to have known you, to have even been able to meet you. And I thank God for that every day. You were the best friend a person could ask for and I don't know what I would've done without you. And I can only hope you feel the same. I just want you to know this will never be goodbye. It will be a see you later. Because I know you'll wait for me. Even if I take a while to get there.

Love,
Natalie

(This is a work of fiction. But it's also sort of for my best friend. Because I don't tell her how much she means to me enough.)