Dear Love

Dear Love,

I don't know you yet, but I hear from others that you're pretty great. I hear you're indescribable. I hear you're life changing. And I've heard you can be devastating. I've heard you can destroy someone as quickly as you can build them up. I am only an acquaintance to you right now. With love for family and friends, nothing life changing. Nothing like a first love. But being completely engulfed by you is a terrifying thought right now. So, we'll stay acquaintances. At least for now. Until I can stop falling for every beautiful stranger I pass or for people who are completely wrong for me. But stay close, I hope to become more than an acquaintance soon.

I've seen you so many times. In the smiles between two people. The way he looks at her. The way she smiles at him. The way that they fit together so perfectly. The way they like the same types of movies. Even in the way they argue with each other. I've seen you in so any forms. Between two lovers, between two friends, between families, between those who can never be.

You can be so terrifying. Some say you're paralyzing. But they also say that you're so beautiful. So full of hope and happiness. Even when you turn sour and hurting. That memory still exists. Of the hope and happiness that once was. Which seems like it would make it hurt worse, but the ache is surprisingly comforting. It shows you can still feel.

When you disappear people miss you. They can feel the loss in their bones. I think you know this. I also think there is a reason you leave. Whether it's to teach a lesson or to show people they can survive. Or just maybe it's because that person needs to learn what you feel like coming from themselves instead of from someone else.

One day I hope to know you. Intimately. Wholly and completely. Maybe one day soon. Maybe not yet. O hope you come at just the right time. With the right person. I understand the first doesn't always last, but I hope that it doesn't end messy. Hopes and feelings are always changing. That's what I hope you do. You never leave, just change.

You are so beautiful. In so many ways. Yeah, sometimes you're painful. And sometimes you disappear for a really long time, but you always come back. You're always there when you're needed the most. If we didn't have you, this world would be a much darker and hateful place. I'm so glad I've got you in my life even if it's just for a while. I hope you know this.

Love,
Natalie

I Hope

I hope you know you move with a grace that is indescribable. You walk with your head held high and never let people belittle you. You are an indescribable human being. Someone who seems too perfect to exist. You're so special. I hope you know these things. I hope you are reminded of this when you need it most and if you need to hear it today, this is me telling you.

I hope you live a wonderful life. Full of good times, amazing friends, and family that love you. I hope you know your life is so special. You are destined to do amazing things that maybe right now only seem like a dream.

I hope your life is full of smiles and laughter and sunshine. Sure, there may be bad days or months or years, but I hope you know that you will get through. And these things will change you, sometimes not for the better, but that's okay. I hope you learn from these bad times.

I hope you never lose your faith. Your faith in yourself, in other people, in the world, in your God, in you life. It's what is going to help you through the bad times. I hope you have the faith to carry on. Or to quit. Whichever you need to do.

I hope you have courage. On the bad days where you're lucky to get out of bed and on the good days where you're going to have to be courageous for other people. I hope you can do it.

I hope you are strong. I hope you can face every challenge set in front of you with grace and strength. Because that's what it's going to take to get through life.

I hope you are happy. In your life, with choices you make, with the way you look, the way you act. I hope you make yourself happy before anyone else. Because at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your choices. You're the one whose life will be affected most.

I hope you love yourself and I hope you love others. I hope you live a life you're proud of. I hope one day when you're old you can look back on your life and say that you lived it the bet way you knew how. I hope for so many things on your life.

I hope you know how proud I am. Of how you've grown and become your own person.

But mostly I hope you know that you are loved. So much. By so many people. And that's what matters most.

Love,
Natalie

2.15.14

I wish I could say that I am someone who can and will openly share about their faith and tell others about how God has affected me, but I've never felt comfortable doing it. I don't know why, but it's something I really want to change.

I guess when you look at the media today and the way people who call themselves Christians act, I don't want to be lumped into that stereotype. It's like if you believe in God then you must be like the Westboro Baptist Church or the people who protest outside of abortion clinics. But that's such a small minority.

I have the belief that we are to show everyone the love of Jesus by loving them. And none of this "love sinner hate the sin" stuff. You are to show them you love them especially at their worst. So someones and addict. Show them you'll love them even when they relapse. So someone is depressed. Show them that you will love them even when they cut you out of their life for months. To me that's what Christianity is. Showing love to everyone.

When I read scripture like "For God speaks time and again, but a person may not notice it." (Job 33:14) or "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous hand." (Isaiah 4:10) and I think about the fact that there is nothing in this world I should fear because I have faith in a God that will always protect me. And yet I'm afraid to do something as simple as tell people about Him.

For New Years I went to a youth conference at the beach and one of the speakers had a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head. It was "People make choices. Choices make people." I want to be able to make choices where I became the person that I want to be. Someone who loves unconditionally, who cares more than may be good for them, someone who is always there as a shoulder to cry on or give them a hug. I want to be the person that people can come to when they need someone to just listen.

I hope to make the right choices. Whether it's sharing what I believe or showing people through my actions. I want to be someone others can look at and they know what I believe. I'm going to try and work on this this year. We'll see how it goes.

Love,
Natalie

I'm Learning

I am learning how to love myself. How to give myself the love that I give others. I'm learning how to have faith. In people. In things I cannot see. I'm learning how to have hope. Even in times where it seems useless. I'm learning how to trust. It's not easy to do either. It's so easy to get hurt when you trust; but I'm learning to let myself get hurt every once in a while. It helps you learn. I'm learning to make mistakes. Over and over again. Just to make sure they're really a mistake. I'm learning to let go. Of fears. Of grudges. Of things I can't control. I'm learning how to live. In the moment. With depression and anxiety. For the future. I'm learning about myself. And the world. And the people around me.

And I am so thankful for that.

Love,
Natalie

2/1/14

As you get older I've realized that people ask you the same question. What do you want to do with your life? And I've never had a good response.

Sure when I was little I was positive I was going to be a princess or teacher or dancer or all three. But as you get older people expect you to have a viable answer. One that could actually happen. And I'm still not sure what my answer is.

I usually say something along the lines of criminal psychology or something like that but I don't really know. All I know is I want to help people. I've had so many people who have come into my life and changed it for the better. Some of which I've never met, but I've read the words they've written and it has moved me in such a way that I have changed my life.

But I'm not going to be the next great author. It's just not going to happen. But you know I may not die a famous writer, but when I go, I'll know that the words I wrote were from the heart. And I think that's what matters. The way you feel when you are doing something.

So maybe I won't be a famous writer, maybe I won't become a criminal psychologist. But I hope I can change lives in whatever I become.

Love,
Natalie