Feelings

You don't notice it in the day to day. It's in those moments where you're not really doing anything that the sadness sneaks up on you. There are some times when you can go weeks or even months without noticing it. Being busy makes it less noticeable. Being distracted makes it easier.

I know it doesn't seem to make sense. To be honest, I don't really understand it either. But I guess that's just a part of life. Not understanding why things happen or why you feel certain things. Sometimes you just need to know why, but there isn't always an answer.

It's never easy asking for help or telling someone that you're not okay or admitting you have no idea what to do. But sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it. Life has it's own way of getting you to stop and look around and realize that this life is hard and sometimes you just need help to get through it.

These feelings are strange. They're hard to describe or relate to other people, but it's real and sometimes you just have to feel it. I hope you understand this. Feelings tend to not make much sense. I don't know how to explain it, but I hope you understand.

I also hope that you let yourself feel fully and completely. Don't push away feelings because they seem insignificant or pointless. They're there for a reason. Listen to them. If the make you want to cry, then cry. If they make you happy, smile. If they make you giddy, laugh. Listen to them fully.

I can't tell you why we have feelings. I can't tell you why it's so hard to talk about sadness or depression or loss when it's so easy to talk about happiness or joy or love. It doesn't make sense why we can share the good so easily but not the bad. Maybe that's something I'll always wonder about. If so, that's okay. But I hope that it isn't always like that.

Life has so man bad parts. Parts we'd like to forget or pretend they never happened, but they're there and they're real. You might be able to ignore them for a while, but you can't ignore them forever.

Feelings are complicated and don't make sense, but they're a pat of us. A part that we have to take into account through out our life. And they matter so much in our lives. It's okay if you don't understand, I don't either, we just have to keep going an try to learn. Because that's all we really can do.

Love,
Natalie

When You Forget

You are stronger than you know.

I know it might not seem true,
I know that you won't always believe me,
But trust me you are.

On those days that you forget this,
Please read this.
Over and over again if you need to.

Let me be your reminder that you will get through this.

When you lose control,
when you no longer know where to turn or who to trust,
Let me be there.

I know I can't fix you.

Baby, there's nothing to fix.
You just have to live life.

I just want you to let me a part of that.

Even if it's just sitting in silence next to you.
I want to remind you how important you are.
How I couldn't make it through this life without you.

I know it seems crazy now.
That on the good days, I may not be needed as much,
But those days where you can only see darkness
Let me in.

Let me in to remind you why you get up.
Why you keep going.

Let me remind you of how much you matter when you forget.

And when I forget,
When I need someone to remind me,
I hope you'll return the favor.

Love,
Natalie

Recently

I recently had one of those moments in life where I stopped and thought about what I've been doing recently and came to this really scary realization. I realize that these days I'm living right now, they are what I'm gong to remember after years have passed. The past couple of weeks have been so crazy and busy they kind of just went by without me really noticing, but they've been full of amazing times.

I went to prom. Something I never really thought I would actually get to do. And it was amazing! I met a lot of really great people, had so much fun, and just generally felt like a teenager. Which I know sounds weird because I am a teenager, but when you don't spend the majority of your time with other teenagers you kind of don't feel like one. 

Then about two weeks later I had my dance recital which was also amazing. I've been dancing for 14 years. That means 14 recitals, not all that I can specifically remember, but also 14 years of memories of dancing and falling in love with it. This one felt different though. It was the first recital that my grandmother wasn't there for, which was weird and sad, but I know she would be really proud. It was definitely one of the recitals I am most proud of. I also realized that it's my next to last recital too. Which is terrifying, but also exhilarating. When I was little I would always watch the "big girls" dance and think about how exciting my senior recital would be and then you become a part of that class and you have these little kids look at you the same way you did when you were little is kind of intimidating. And the two girls who graduated I've known for years and I'm going to miss them. Everyone has their role that they fulfill in a group setting and I know that this upcoming year there is going to be empty spots that are never going to be able to be filled by others. 

It's weird how life can go by so fast, but feel so slow at the same time. Realizing that this is what life is about, making memories and living in the moment, is what matters. I guess I've realized that you're not going to remember the boring day to day stuff. It's not going to be important in the long run. But you'll remember those times where you did something out of your comfort zone or something that you really love. That those are the important things. And yeah, you may not have those things happening every day, but when they do they are amazing and, make you realize just why life is so worth living. 

Getting that rush of joy and happiness during those moments makes them worth it. Even if they are scary or intimidating. This is life. This moment, right now, and every moment after this counts. And I'm responsible for what I fill them with. So I might as well fill them with good moments, because those are what I'll remember in forty years. Those are what will matter. 

Love,

Natalie