Poetry And Other Good Words (playlist)

5/26/13

I know it's been awhile, and I really did have something that I was working on but I accidentally deleted it and then life got crazy and I sort of didn't thin anything else about it. I still don't really know what to write about. So, I'm just going to start and see what happens.

I've had quite a few exciting things happen this week so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

1. I had my last dance class of the year before we start back in August. It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most people because I'll be back in just a few months, but dance plays such a big ole in my life I always feel like a little piece of me is missing until I get back.

2. I started working in the butterfly exhibit where I work at. That's a lot of fun, but it's also exhausting. There's nothing like seeing a kid light up when they get a butterfly to land on them and you can just see how excited and proud they are. It just makes you smile too.

3. The dress rehearsal for my dance recital (which I will talk about next) was on Thursday and it's always one of my favorite times because you can just feel the excitement in the air. This year's had a lot of kinks, but  as the saying goes "a bad dress rehearsal makes for a good performance."

4. And if I say so myself, our performance was pretty awesome. I love getting up on stage and just letting go and being. It did make me sad that some of my family couldn't be there, but I got to see a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a while which is always amazing. I had to say goodbye to a lot of great girls that I wouldn't be seeing next year since they were graduating and I will miss them dearly.

5. I also finished my sophomore year this year. Which I'm still trying to wrap my head around. And most days just ignoring. I'm going to be a junior this coming year! Life is going by a lot quicker than it used to and I wish it would slow down again.

6. I don't know of any plan for this summer other than work for me, but I do know that I want to see my friends and I want to meet new people and I just want to explore the world around me. I want adventure. Even if it's just going to a park I've been going to since I was a baby and taking a new trail. I want something great out of this summer, I'm just not sure what that great thing is yet. But I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Love,
Natalie

Growing Up

I don't know when it happened, but I've come to realize that I don't really feel like a kid anymore. I mean just last year alone I got a job, got my license, and I had to do taxes! I'm not sure I like it.

I just looked through all my old yearbooks from when I was still in school and old things that I had written in my diaries and it's made me miss those times. The times where everyone in your grade was your friend and that no one cared if you were friends with a boy or not because it wasn't a big deal. They were just more friends, not someone you might want to date or someone you secretly love. None of that mattered. You were friends because they were the people you spent the majority of your time with.

I've come to realize that out in the "real world" when you don't have school to make friends, it can be really lonely. You have the people you work with (if you have a job) but they're your "work friends" and you feel like you have to be a certain way when you're with them. Or your like me and all of the people you work with are all adults and don't have to worry about having to get home before nine or telling their parents where they are and when they'll be home.

Being a kid was the best. You didn't have to worry about schedules because your parents did that. You didn't have to worry about money because that's what birthday's and Christmas and any other holiday was for. You didn't have to worry about the way you looked because none of your friends cared if you had the newest clothes or brand names because that's not why they were your friend. You didn't have to worry about anything, because your job was to have fun and be kid and the adults job was to worry.

God I miss that.

Being able to not worry about schedules and if I'm going to have to work when I need to do something else, or just having free time would be nice. If there were a day I woke up and didn't want to go straight back to sleep would be nice too. Just to be able to have as much energy and to look at the world everyday with the wonder that kids do, I would love that.

I don't know when I began to become this "adult/kid" that I am now, but what I do know is that I'm going to stop trying to grow up so fast. I always couldn't wait to grow up when I was younger, but now I just wish I could be a kid again. When a kiss from a parent would heal anything, from a scraped knee to hurt feelings. Or when I knew my stuffed animals came to life when I left, so I would have to sit them with other animals they liked. I just want to be able to look at the world and always see the good. I want my innocence back, when I didn't know anything about the horrors of the world, when I felt like I was invincible. I just want to be  a kid again.

Love,
Natalie

I just got back from training for a new part of my job where I work. This place is a science center and I have literally been going there since I was probably about 2 years old and I have so many good memories there and specifically in this exhibit (it's a butterfly house) and I'm so excited to be able to form those memories for other little kids. I've never really liked science and I in no way can even begin to say that I know a lot about anything I teach about, but I try, and I adore my job. Being able to teach kids and adults alike about how many amazing things are out there in the world just makes me so excited. Sure there are days where I would rather not have to go to work, but I think everyone has those days, and on those days specifically I always have a moment where I think to myself "I'm so glad I am here right now." Sometimes I take this for granted, but today I've come to realize how much I love my job and how much I care about my job. I'm glad I had one of those moments today, because I needed it. Being a part of this company, this amazing place, it's something I would've never imagined me doing at this time in my life, but I'm so glad that it did. 

Thoughts On Depression

Here's the thing about depression and what I've learned about it during my life. Either dealing with it or seeing  people I love deal with it, I've learned a lot. The main thing I've learned is that it doesn't matter who you are, what you've been blessed with, anyone can be depressed.

You can be rich or poor, have any color skin, be a Christian or hold whatever belief you want, it doesn't matter. None of these things affect whether or not you will have the chemical imbalance that causes depression. Because that's what depression is, and you can't control it.

The fact that some people say that if you are a Christian or if you have this thing in your life or if you do this thing, then you won't be depressed anymore. That's just a lie. There is no way to "fix" depression. You can take medication that reduces the affects depression has on you or you can even have lengths of time where the depression is almost no existent, but it doesn't fix it.

 It's hard to deal with depression, especially when you have people around you who either don't think you are depressed or they think that if you just suck it up you'll get better. And those people make me really angry. They make you feel worse about the way you feel, which no one should feel entitled to do. I know that if I had a choice between being depressed or not I wouldn't choose the one that makes me feel like crap  90% of the time. I think people forget that sometimes. That we don't get to choose that we feel like this sometimes.

People make being depressed seem like this thing that no one should talk about, like if we don't talk about it it will just go away. But it won't. It's something you have to deal with all your life and there will be good days and there will be horrible days, and you just have to keep going. Even when life seems like it's trying to completely destroy you.

I don't know how to make it better, and truthfully I don't think you can. There will be times in life where the darkness seems like it's engulfing you completely. Like there is no way the light can break through, but it does. And all I know is you have to keep going, even when you don't want to.

Love,
Natalie

These Things I Know To Be True

1. Life is going to hurt. 
2. Crying can make you either feel better or worse. You'll never be able to tell which it will be until you've already started.
3. Family is the most important thing you have in this world, don't let them forget you care.
4. A best friend will be what gets you through everything your family can't. Choose them wisely. 
5. Country music, ice cream, and Chinese food can fix almost everything.
6. Life isn't fair, but some days it will feel like you're always getting the worst of it.
7. When you don't know what to say, just stay quiet and hug. That can be more comforting than anything else. 
8. Have hope, even in the darkest of time. Because the sun has to come out eventually.
9. Being alone and lonely are completely different.
10. Take your time with love. Heartbreak can change you, and not always for the best.
11. Always treat people the way you want them to treat you. Even if they don't return the favor. 
12. Being brave isn't always noticeable. 
13. Get someone else's opinion, but make sure you know the consequences before making any decisions.
14. Take deep breathes. It helps.
15. Spend time with the people you love. You never know what the next day may bring.

Love,
Natalie

Five Minute Friday

Today's Topic: Brave

I'm lucky to know  so many brave people. But I think some people get forgotten in their bravery. Their bravery is quieter, less noticeable.

Like the bravery it takes for someone to get up and go on with their day when they feel like it's worthless. Or the bravery when someone is hurt by another person, but they forgive them and they forget. Bravery is needed in all the parts of our life. I just don't think we notice it enough.

Being brave, it isn't about fighting an illness or standing up to the bully. It's about getting up each morning and going through life with a smile, even when you are hurting. Being brave is sharing your feelings with people who loves you and you love. Being brave is admitting when you're wrong. Being brave is apologizing.

The bravery in people isn't always seen. But I think that's for the best. If we knew how brave everyone was all the time, then we would be too afraid to ask for help from them, we'd feel inadequate. People's bravery isn't always obvious, you have to search for it, and sometimes their bravery looks like weakness. But being brave isn't about defeating all your demons on your own. No, being brave is about asking for help when you're at your lowest.

Love,
Natalie

Horror Movies and Books

I watched this YouTube video on why we need the horror genre by Michael Martin and I really liked what he had to say about it, so I thought I'd write about how I feel about them here.

I've always been really into horror and fantasy books ever since I started reading. I loved the Goosebumps books (which I grew up reading and it sort of fostered my love for reading.) and I have a special place in my heart for Carrie by Stephen King and a series that I've only read the first book of because it's out of print now, but it's called the Fearless series and it's by Francine Pascal. I've also always loved horror movies, but that's because most of them are hilariously bad either in action or in CGI.

But there is something about the horror genre that I find so fascinating, and I always thought I was the only one who thought this about it. And that's that horror has a great story, because it's light versus dark. You can always tell the evil from the good. And you know who's going to win. But life isn't that certain. It's more grey.

I think that's why I like that genre so much. It's black and white. Good versus evil. And good always wins. And in life, it doesn't seem to work out that way. You see the bad, the evil in the world and you can't imagine these things, but they're out there and it seems that they are getting worse and no one is there to stop them. But there is always a hero in books and movies. 

It's scary sometimes to think about all the evil in the world. But then when you see horrible tragedies happen you always see people out there helping them. So, maybe the world doesn't have a single hero, maybe were all our own heroes fighting our own personal evils and helping each other out when they need us. Maybe we're the good. 

Horror is a great genre, because it doesn't say that monsters aren't real. It says they are real, but they can be defeated and that's what is important. Knowing the monster can be slain makes us feel safe. We may not have that certainty in life, all of our monsters might not be able to be slain by ourselves, but that also shows that we're human and sometimes we need help. And there will always be someone ready to take up a sword and fight along with you. You just have to ask.

Love,

Natalie