11/22/14

Tonight has been one of the best nights I've had in a while. My family, or most of them at least, met the boy I'm kind of crazy about. I think they really liked him, it's kind of hard to tell with them though. We went to a lovely restaurant and had dinner. Then went to see a movie. He made me feel so special and important tonight. I'm experiencing a high like I've never experienced before. All of the secrets and sneaking around seems so stupid now with how cool they've been about this whole thing. The joy I am feeling right now after such a big night is incomparable to anything else. It's been such a huge relief that everything has gone so well. It seems like it's been a little too easy. But I'm just grateful for what I have and will continue to be until it's gone. Right now, in this moment, I couldn't be happier. Which makes me very thankful for my guy. His ability to make me feel so special and happy and safe and cared for is very new to me. But it's also one of my favorite things. He's one of my favorite things. Here's to many more amazing nights just like this one.

Love,
Natalie 

10/30/14

I know I'm not his first anything like he is to me. I know he's had so much more experience in this area of life. I know these things, and they terrify me, but they also comfort me. Out of all the girls he could choose. Out of all the girls he has been with, he chose me. He wants me. I've never had that before. It makes me feel special. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. I hope I make him happy too. We're on two different levels, that is true. We can't even tell anyone right now. That doesn't bother me much, but the chance of having someone find out before we even figure out what this whole thing is definitely scares me. And he says he's scared too. He says that this was not in his plan. And I have to agree. I didn't plan on any of this to happen. I was waiting to get out and then he showed up and that plan kind of just disappeared.

But we like each other. Probably more than we should. You shouldn't be able to miss someone you have seen just a few hours before. There are so many reasons that this relationship shouldn't work out. There are so many reasons we shouldn't even be together, but there is so much chemistry and electricity between us that it just doesn't seem like an option to stop now. And I don't want to either.

Yeah, it's scary. Maybe even terrifying. But he makes me feel so happy and lucky that I have him. I feel very safe with him and he's very respectful and sweet and caring. In the short time that we've been talking and getting to know each other and figuring out what this thing is he's become a part of my life. It's comforting to know that there is someone in the world who I can just talk to about anything and they'll actually care about what I'm saying.

I don't know where this might go, but we've talked and we both feel like there is a definite future for this relationship. We have each other. For as long as the other person wants them. The next step is going to be telling people in a few weeks. Which is terrifying, but also will be a huge relief. So many new things are happening in my life, but I couldn't be happier.

Love,
Natalie

10/6/14

I never understood why people smiled at their phones when they got a message until you came along. I've never been one to sit around smiling just because I thought of someones name. I've never known of these terrifying and amazing feelings until you came along. It's all so new and unknown and scary. But also exciting and making me so happy. It terrifies me that one person can make me feel all of these things at once. It doesn't seem like it should be possible for someone I barely know to have such a big affect on me. I don't know where this is all going to go. Maybe I don't want to. But I do know for now that our conversations that last for hours, and that I sometimes fall asleep during, have made the last few days so much better. They've made me happier. I also know that you are one of the only people in my life right now that I can talk to for hours and never run out of things to say. So for now I'm thankful for these things and if one day we are able to make this more than a friendship I'll be there. Fully and completely. Until then I'm just glad to have you in my life.

Love,
Me

For You...Whenever You Appear

You are my favorite sound. My favorite warmth. My favorite sight. You make this world good, even on the bad days. Your words keep me together. And they tear me apart at the same time. You are my sun, moon, and all the stars. You have my heart, my soul, me. You have me. For now and for always. I am yours. And I am my own. We are each others. You let me be whatever I want to. You tell me to be honest. To be real. To not hate, but to love. You teach me more about myself in an hour than I have learned about myself in all the years before you. You make me smile, laugh, and sometimes even cry. But you also hold me, and reassure me, and make me laugh. You hold all the broken pieces of me in your hands. You try to put them back together sometimes, but you have also learned that some of those pieces are better left out. You are still a mystery to me. An unknown factor. A mystery I can't wait to figure out. You haven't shown up yet. Or maybe you have and I just haven't noticed yet. I am waiting. Maybe not patiently all the time, but I am waiting for you. Whenever you want to show up. Whenever the time is right. You have me. All that I can give is yours. I hope you feel the same.

Love,
Me 

You Are a Human

You are a human being. It may not seem like you're important to the world. But there is a reason that you're here. There is a reason you were created. It might not be obvious to you yet, but you'll find out what it is as soon as you need to. It's okay to feel afraid. It's okay to not know what you're doing. To be honest, most people don't know what they're doing. We're all just trying to figure out life at the same time.

Life is full of weird, scary, and confusing times. We've all been through them in different times of our lives. They are what let us connect to each other. We can share our experiences to help others learn the lessons we had to learn the hard way. It seems we're all here to help each other out. Help each of us to learn, to love, to enjoy life in the best way we can.

You are a human being. You are a wonderful, amazing person who is meant to do so much. You mean so much to so many people. We may forget this sometimes, but we matter. Not just to those around us, but to the world. We matter because we exist.

I know that sounds crazy. Why would one person living on a world that has billions of other people on it matter? Why would we be important? And I don't know the answer to that. I wish I did, but I don't. No one really does, no matter what they say. What I do know is that it's true. That each and every person on this world means something, an even if we don't notice it, we make a difference. In the lives of those close to us and even to those that we may only see once in our lives. We get to make the choice on how they remember us, if it's that kind stranger who smiled at them when they were having a bad day or if we're that person who made their good day turn into a bad one.

This world may be full of people. We may be insignificant in the long run, but at this time, right now, we are here. And we matter. Maybe 100 years from now we'll be forgotten, but right now we have so much to do. So much to live for, believe in, and look forward to.

I hope you can remember this. When you have a bad day, when life gets too hard, remember that you matter. That there is a reason to your existence and even if you don't know what it is at this exact moment there will be a day where you do. This is to remind me that even on the worst days there is a reason. A reason to go on. To try again. To wake up in the morning and know that I'm one day closer to figuring things out just like everyone else.

We can be humans together. We can make bad choices together. We can help each other hold on when the other just wants to let go. We can remind each other that we matter. Because sometimes that's all you need, So, I hope you remember this. Above anything else, remember that you matter. We can do this. Together.

Love,
Natalie

Why Love?

You know love is such a weird concept. We can love another person, we can love animals, we can love certain foods, we can love literally everything. But we never love them in the same way. I don't love my best friend in the same way I love my favorite food. I also don't love my best friend the same way I love my family. The thing is, there is no other way to describe how you feel about things that you like more than other things. Love is all we have.

In so many ways, love is all we have. Loving a family member isn't the same as being in love with another person. You don't get to choose your family, but you get to choose a stranger. It doesn't really make sense. Why we choose certain people out of all the others in the world and then we decide that's the person I want to are about. That's the person I want to rely on and depend on and come home to every day. We decide who we make important.

But we don't get to decide who chooses us. We don't get to decide if someone loves us. We don't get decide who thinks we're important. It isn't fair really. Being able to give someone your whole heart and them being able to decide if they want to hold onto it or not. It makes me wonder why we are so careless with our hearts at times.

Why do we not think about what might happen if we were to give up our hearts? Why do we usually jump head first into relationships with people we barely know? It doesn't make sense, yet we all do it. I guess we are just trying to find that person we decide to make important and the only way we know how to do that is to give pieces of ourselves out until we finally find the person who will protect all of our pieces and replace the ones we gave away.

The hurt of getting pieces of ourselves broken or taken from us changes us. We become different.

No matter how we much we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we can't always prevent it.

It's so much easier to talk about things like this when you can project onto someone else. When you can take the I's and the me's and turn them into we's and us'. It makes us feel like we're not the only ones who are afraid of things like getting hurt. It's kind of funny that the pain of something so terrible can unite so many people.

I guess in the end that's the best part about being able to love so much. By loving, we can connect to others. We can find new stranger who become friends who we love. And then when we get hurt, because we inevitably get hurt, we can connect to those who have felt our pain before. We learn that the pain that we are feeling is survivable because they've survived it.

So here's to love, in all of it's many forms. And here's to feeling pain, because it lets us know we're still alive. We're still here and we're going to be okay. Because we will be. In the end everything will be okay. As long as there is love in this world, we'll be okay.

Giving you all my love,
Natalie

Tell

Tell me you love me.
Tell me things are going to be okay,
even if you don't believe it.
Tell me life is going to get better.

Tell me these things,
especially when I don't believe you.

Tell me life is worth living.
Tell me you're always going to be there,
even if you don't believe it.
Tell me we'll be okay.

Tell me everything.
Tell me all your secrets,
all your crazy ideas and sad moments.
Tell me everything about you,

I want to know it all.

Then let me tell you.

Let me tell you how much I love you.
Let me tell you everything is going to be okay,
even if you don't believe it.
Let me tell you how life gets better.

Let me tell you these things,
especially when you don't believe them.

Let me tell you life is worth living.
Let me tell you about how I'll always be there,
even if you don't believe it.
Let me tell you we'll be okay.

Let me tell you everything.
Let me tell you all our secrets,
all of my crazy ideas and sad moments.

I want to tell you them all.

On Loving Others and Yourself

Baby, if you are ever left wondering if he loves you, take a moment. Think back on all the times you've had this feeling. Every moment you questioned how someone could ever possibly love you. And then look at yourself because if you don't love yourself first, you'll never believe anyone else can.

It's something you have to learn. There have been times where I've avoided every mirror and reflection I could. There are still days I do this. Day, months, years have gone by with me hating myself because I was uncomfortable with myself.

And loving yourself is not as easy as it sounds. It takes so much work. When the world around you is continuously telling you you're not lovable because you don't have the right body, clear skin, and are so awkward you make yourself uncomfortable it's hard to find things to love.

There is no way for me to get you to love yourself. Darling I so wish I could. I would sit you down and make list after list of all the reasons you deserve to be loved. I would tell you how beautiful your crooked smile is, how amazing you are at teaching, how much you have changed peoples lives. I would tell you that those things you so hate about yourself are so beautiful, because they are a part of you.

If I knew you would believe me, I would tell you all of this. But baby, I know you won't. At least I know I don't. And I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if you can. I'm trying to love myself just like you. I'm trying to figure out how someone else could possibly love me in any way and I still haven't found out the answer. But I keep trying.

We are truly our worst critic.

I hope you can learn to be kind to yourself. I hope I can learn to be kind to myself. Be true to yourself. Be kind to yourself. But above all love yourself. Because God knows you deserve all the love in the world.

Love,
Natalie

Fighting Battles

I hope you're good to one another. If that's all you get out of this, that's okay. This world is not always kind. Everyone has demons they face on a daily basis and even if we can't help them in their battle we can at least not make it harder on them.

I know it's something we've always heard. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." It's something we have been reminded of continuously, but it seems to be forgotten by so many people these days. We've grown up in a world that tells us strangers aren't important. We're told they're just extras in our lives and they don't matter. But that's isn't the case.

Everyone has their own lives, yeah, that's true. But we should be glad to be a part of it even if it's just a smile, because a simple smile can end with you sharing your life with that stranger you smiled at because they looked like they were having a bad day.

Some days we may feel like we're just skin and bones. Nothing else. Not a heart full of love or a mind full of thoughts. Darling, I know that these are going to be the hardest days to be kind to others. Try to remember those days that were made a little better by someone else's smile.

Put on your armor when you need to. Protect yourself from your own demons. No one is going to look at you as being less if you need to. Use your kind words, your smiles, your love, your hope on the evil you face. Show them they can't destroy you.

You will face hate in this world. It's just a sad fact. There will always be someone throwing hate into the world. You might not be able to stop them, but you can at least soften the blows. Going around with your hands held out may get you hurt more often, but you're going to gain so many more experiences. Being open, being real, it might not seem like it, but it makes you tough.

There will be people in this world who will help you up just to push you back down again. I know it doesn't make sense, why people would hurt someone else purposefully but it happens way too often. Don't be that person. Become people's refuge. Become the person they know they can come to when life gets too hard because they know you'll be there to tell them "It's going to be okay. You can get through this. I'm here for you." Because that's usually what they need to hear anyway.

Be kind. Be loving. Be hopeful. We need more people like that in this world and you might just be able to change someones life. You're going to do great things, I know this. Just don't let the world get to you before you accomplish them.

Love,
Natalie

Those Moments

Sometimes the right thing comes into your life at the exact moment you need it. Whether it is a person, a song, a poem, a book, or even an experience - that's something that only you know.

Each of these things has the ability to impact us in so many ways. It takes a special person to come into your life and make you either realize how important you are or to make you realize that you haven't been living your life to it's greatest potential. These people are so special but we don't really realize it until they've done their job. Until they've made us see and understand what it was they were placed into our lives for. And I truly believe that these people are placed into our lives. When you look back and are able to say because of this person in my life I have become the person I am today, for better or worse, has an impact on us. You will always remember the first person who told you they loved you, the person you admired when you were growing up, the person who inspired you to do what you love. These people will never be forgotten by you, even if they don't know it. These are our special people. Whether it's the teacher who made you fall in love with reading or the friend who you aspired to be like, they will never be forgotten. And you will never be the same because of them.

Now songs and poems are a little different. They hold memories. They never change. You can't be disappointed by the actions of a song or a poem. But they can change your life. Hearing a song or even a poem about how you feel tells you you're not alone. It tells you there have been other people out in this world that have felt like you do and they survive it. So, just maybe, if they have survived it then you can too.

Life-changing. That's the way a lot of books are described to be. And for some it is so very true. The thing about life changing books is, they usually aren't written to be that. They're honest and real and make you feel something. They're the books on your shelf with folded corners, notes in the margins, and falling apart because they've been read so often. They're the ones you had to be forced to put down. They're the ones you return to again and again because it feels like you're visiting old friends. That's what makes books so amazing. You can live out these amazing stories through these characters. I can't tell you how many book characters I aspire to be like. You can learn so much from reading a good book. Like being brave in the face of danger. That it's okay to not always have a plan. That people you love will hurt you. That life is hard, but if you people willing to face it with you everyday you will get through it. And so much more.

Experiences are the hardest. They aren't always easy. They aren't always happy. But I guess that's true about most of life. It's not easy and it's not always the happiest. The experience of your first "I love you" changes you. The experience of your first job, of a loss, of depression, of joy, of love, of hope, of so many things changes you. I know it sounds cheesy, but we are never the same after experiencing these things. Love changes us. Loss changes us. Experiences change us.

That's one of my favorite things about this life. That we are always able to change. If you don't like something  about yourself you aren't stuck with it forever. Sometimes it just takes us a little longer and a little bit of help to see it. We are never stuck with how we act or how we perceive ourselves or others. We are always changing and adapting. It's how we find out who we are. There are some times when we might need a little help. That's why these things are so important. They help us become someone we're proud of. It might just take a little longer than we hoped. But hey, at least we get to experience all these amazing things on they way there.

Love,
Natalie

Feelings

You don't notice it in the day to day. It's in those moments where you're not really doing anything that the sadness sneaks up on you. There are some times when you can go weeks or even months without noticing it. Being busy makes it less noticeable. Being distracted makes it easier.

I know it doesn't seem to make sense. To be honest, I don't really understand it either. But I guess that's just a part of life. Not understanding why things happen or why you feel certain things. Sometimes you just need to know why, but there isn't always an answer.

It's never easy asking for help or telling someone that you're not okay or admitting you have no idea what to do. But sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it. Life has it's own way of getting you to stop and look around and realize that this life is hard and sometimes you just need help to get through it.

These feelings are strange. They're hard to describe or relate to other people, but it's real and sometimes you just have to feel it. I hope you understand this. Feelings tend to not make much sense. I don't know how to explain it, but I hope you understand.

I also hope that you let yourself feel fully and completely. Don't push away feelings because they seem insignificant or pointless. They're there for a reason. Listen to them. If the make you want to cry, then cry. If they make you happy, smile. If they make you giddy, laugh. Listen to them fully.

I can't tell you why we have feelings. I can't tell you why it's so hard to talk about sadness or depression or loss when it's so easy to talk about happiness or joy or love. It doesn't make sense why we can share the good so easily but not the bad. Maybe that's something I'll always wonder about. If so, that's okay. But I hope that it isn't always like that.

Life has so man bad parts. Parts we'd like to forget or pretend they never happened, but they're there and they're real. You might be able to ignore them for a while, but you can't ignore them forever.

Feelings are complicated and don't make sense, but they're a pat of us. A part that we have to take into account through out our life. And they matter so much in our lives. It's okay if you don't understand, I don't either, we just have to keep going an try to learn. Because that's all we really can do.

Love,
Natalie

When You Forget

You are stronger than you know.

I know it might not seem true,
I know that you won't always believe me,
But trust me you are.

On those days that you forget this,
Please read this.
Over and over again if you need to.

Let me be your reminder that you will get through this.

When you lose control,
when you no longer know where to turn or who to trust,
Let me be there.

I know I can't fix you.

Baby, there's nothing to fix.
You just have to live life.

I just want you to let me a part of that.

Even if it's just sitting in silence next to you.
I want to remind you how important you are.
How I couldn't make it through this life without you.

I know it seems crazy now.
That on the good days, I may not be needed as much,
But those days where you can only see darkness
Let me in.

Let me in to remind you why you get up.
Why you keep going.

Let me remind you of how much you matter when you forget.

And when I forget,
When I need someone to remind me,
I hope you'll return the favor.

Love,
Natalie

Recently

I recently had one of those moments in life where I stopped and thought about what I've been doing recently and came to this really scary realization. I realize that these days I'm living right now, they are what I'm gong to remember after years have passed. The past couple of weeks have been so crazy and busy they kind of just went by without me really noticing, but they've been full of amazing times.

I went to prom. Something I never really thought I would actually get to do. And it was amazing! I met a lot of really great people, had so much fun, and just generally felt like a teenager. Which I know sounds weird because I am a teenager, but when you don't spend the majority of your time with other teenagers you kind of don't feel like one. 

Then about two weeks later I had my dance recital which was also amazing. I've been dancing for 14 years. That means 14 recitals, not all that I can specifically remember, but also 14 years of memories of dancing and falling in love with it. This one felt different though. It was the first recital that my grandmother wasn't there for, which was weird and sad, but I know she would be really proud. It was definitely one of the recitals I am most proud of. I also realized that it's my next to last recital too. Which is terrifying, but also exhilarating. When I was little I would always watch the "big girls" dance and think about how exciting my senior recital would be and then you become a part of that class and you have these little kids look at you the same way you did when you were little is kind of intimidating. And the two girls who graduated I've known for years and I'm going to miss them. Everyone has their role that they fulfill in a group setting and I know that this upcoming year there is going to be empty spots that are never going to be able to be filled by others. 

It's weird how life can go by so fast, but feel so slow at the same time. Realizing that this is what life is about, making memories and living in the moment, is what matters. I guess I've realized that you're not going to remember the boring day to day stuff. It's not going to be important in the long run. But you'll remember those times where you did something out of your comfort zone or something that you really love. That those are the important things. And yeah, you may not have those things happening every day, but when they do they are amazing and, make you realize just why life is so worth living. 

Getting that rush of joy and happiness during those moments makes them worth it. Even if they are scary or intimidating. This is life. This moment, right now, and every moment after this counts. And I'm responsible for what I fill them with. So I might as well fill them with good moments, because those are what I'll remember in forty years. Those are what will matter. 

Love,

Natalie

5/19/14

1. It'll never feel right to talk about someone you have loved in the past tense. Whether it's family, friends, or lovers.

2. Never let a guy come between you and your best friend. You may love them and think they're the most amazing person in the world, but if they make you drop your friends you've known for your whole life, they aren't good for you.

3. Life is not always kind. You will have years where it seems the world is out to get you. Keep going.

4. You might not always know the right words to say. Sometimes there are no right words. All you can do is hold that person and let them know you're there.

5. Spending nights listening to poetry is not a waste of time. Sometimes it can explain how you're feeling a lot better than you can.

6. You won't always be friends with the people you went to elementary school with. Sometimes the only reason you are friends is because you see each other five days a week.

7. You'll surprise yourself with some of the things you will do when you're given the opportunity. 

8. There are a lot of reasons to keep living. Sometimes it's that tv show you don't want to miss and other times it's because you can't wait to find out what's going to happen in your life next. That's okay. 

9. Thinking about killing yourself and actually doing it aren't the same. But if you ever truly consider it, talk to someone. Because the hurt and loneliness you feel might not be able to be fixed, but knowing there is someone out there who would miss you can save your life.

10. This world is not fair. People will disappear from your life without you realizing. You will be hurt. You may even be broken beyond repair. Some people get dealt a shitty hand and sometimes there is no fixing it.

These are ten things I have learned recently. A lot of them are not pretty. A lot of them are messy and scary and things people don't want to talk about. But life is full of these lessons. Lessons that are ugly and painful, but they leave you changed. You can give up when it gets too hard, but if you do you'll never see it get better. Sometimes that's all that will get you through the day. But it's something and that's all you really need.

Learning these things hasn't been easy. It definitely isn't fun or exciting and it probably never will be. But it's just the way life is and learning that sooner rather than later is best.

I hope you've had a good life and that you've not learned these lessons the hard way. Don't let these facts keep you away from living a full life. Making mistakes and failing is a part of life. It's okay. Keep going. You'll be okay.

Love,
Natalie

5/10/14

Baby I hope that you are brave. I hope that you can live a life that you're proud of. That you can look back at your mistakes and see how they changed you. I hope it's for the better. And my dear I hope that you have someone who will listen. Whether it's about a bad day or something funny you saw online. I hope they sit there and really listen. You're going to need them.

When life gets too hard. When all you want to do is give up. Talk to them. Or just be with them. Be in that moment. Feel their love, their warmth. Know that your problems will pass, that these are the moments you will remember. The times where you were just in that person's presence and how much you love them.

These people are hard to find. If you're lucky the universe will bring you together early in life. But usually it takes time. It takes battles and getting hurt and a lot of tears to find them, but when you find them you'll know. They will fill a hole in your heart you never knew was there. They will be so much like you, but you will see them as so much more.

You will wonder how you got so lucky. How someone as amazing as them would even put up with you. Trust me, they're thinking the same thing. My dear this person will seem unreal to you. You'll think that they're just there until someone better comes along. Don't believe these words. They aren't true.

Just remember that this person also chose you. It might seem crazy, but it's true.

And yeah, things won't always be easy. There will be times where you two don't talk or where you might not see each other for months on end. But that just give you more things to talk about when you are finally able to see each other again.

They may leave. To go off on their next adventure. To start living a life they will be proud of.

You'll always remember them. Baby, when you look back on the memories you made with this person you won't be able to stop smiling. They will leave an imprint on your heart. You will be changed because of them and they will be changed because of you.

My dear these people are special. You will only have a few in your life. Cherish the time you get to spend with them. Be in the moment with them. So you can remember what that love felt like. Be there when they need you. Let them go when they need it. Share pieces of yourself you wouldn't share with anyone else.

Always remember that these people were put into your life for a reason. Baby, you're going to learn so much from them. And you're going to teach them too. Be open to this and you'll be okay.

Love,
Natalie

Endings Aren't Always Happy

Not everyone gets a happy ending. You might not even get a satisfying one. Sometimes it just ends. This world is cruel. It will knock you down again and again, baby. You won't understand it and neither will anyone else. It just has to be accepted.

You're ending might not be what you expected. It might not be meeting your prince and riding off into the sunset. It might not involve you with a family. It might not involve you growing old. But it might. The only way of knowing is to keep living.

It will be messy. This world has been built on heart breaks and sadness my dear. It is not always kind. In fact it's usually painful and hard. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I know it isn't what people usually tell you, but it's true. Your life is going to have a lot more valleys than hills. But my dear those highs are going to get you through the lows. You just have to keep going through the valley until you reach the next hill.

I know you can do it. You've got this baby. You are going to become an expert in this surviving thing pretty soon. I know it may not seem like it at the moment, but you're doing it. Every second you are still here you are surviving. And I am so proud of you for that.

You're going to have to confront the dark parts of your life. They will come at unexpected times. Keep your head up. You will get through it. Pieces of you will shatter during these times. Let it. The light from those broken shards will be able to penetrate the dark. Slowly at first, but it will work. Don't let that fear stop you from living your life.

I know this is scary honey. I know you want to cover your eyes and pretend you never read this. No one wants to hear about the bad parts of life. No one wants you to know that your ending might not be what you've always imagined.

But baby here I am. Writing this for you, for me, for anyone out there who needs to know that this world can suck. But that this world is also pretty great and the only way of learning these two things is to keep living. To see what your plan is.

So here I am pouring my heart onto this blank page. Trying to figure out this life and what it means to me just like you are. I don't know everything and I never will. But baby that's the best part of life. Learning something about yourself or the people around you everyday. It keeps it exciting.

So stay curious. Keep your eyes open and don't let the world make you hard. You'll get far in life myy dear by doing this. And just know that everyone around is trying to figure out this thing we call life too. So you're never alone.

Don't worry about your ending. It will come when the time is right. Until then make the best of what is going on right now. You can do it.

Love,
Natalie

If I Haven't Told You

If I haven't told you how much you meant to me,
I am now.

If I haven't told you I love you,
I am now.

If I haven't told you you matter,
I am now.

If I haven't told you any of these things
If I haven't reminded you
If you don't know this,
I am so sorry.

If I haven't told you how beautiful you are,
I am now.

If I haven't told you how powerful your words are,
I am now.

If I haven't told you how unbelievably amazing you are,
I am now.

If I haven't told you these things,
If I have let you feel in any way less than perfect,
If you doubt this in any way,
I am so sorry.

If I haven't loved you enough,
I am now.

If I haven't appreciated you enough,
I am now.

If I haven't told you you are enough,
I am now.

If I have made you doubt,
If I haven't made you feel good about yourself,
If don't believe this,
I am so sorry.

I will try harder.

To make you believe these things.
To make you realize how much you matter.
And if I haven't yet,
I want to remind you how beautiful you are.

Love,
Natalie

I Pray

This is my prayer for you. That you always look up. Whether it be at the stars or the sun. That you never let fear win. That you see that your life is full of beautiful and terrifying things. That you will be okay in the end.

I pray that you will have a wonderful life. That the world is good to you and you find kind people to love. I hope you find a reason to smile everyday. You deserve to live a good life. Even if at times it hurts. Learning to love yourself, scars and all, is going to be hard. But you have to do it. Before anyone else can love you and before you can love others you must love yourself.

I pray that you remember this. That you are able to find comfort in the face of horrible times in the arms of a God that loves you. Always and forever. This is what I hope for you. There will be times when you forget, times where this world will knock you down and no one tries to help you up. Look up, have faith and hold on.

I pray that you never lose faith. That your light is never darkened by shadows. And if it is, I pray that you are able to brighten it. I hope that you hold on. In the darkness, during the times where you are afraid, and when life gets too hard. I pray that you just hold on. I pray you do your best. That's all you need at the end of the day. To be proud of yourself. That's what I hope for you.

I pray you meet the best people out there. People who will love you and care about you no matter what. I hope this world is kind to you. That you find kindness in everyone even when it is hard. It will be hard. So remember those people who are there in the bad times. Those who can make your light shine even brighter than before with just a few words. You're going to need them.

I pray this world doesn't break you. At least not forever. And just remember that the more a muscle tears the stronger they become. So even when your heart is breaking, remember that it's just going to become stronger. But baby, please don't let a crack cause you to give up.

I pray you always know love. That you are able to show it and are shown it in return. I know it sounds easy darling, but trust me typing out these words is a lot easier than living by them. It will take time to learn how to open your heart. Especially after you've been hurt.

I pray you survive because sometimes that's all you can do. Look ahead, hold your head high and keep moving. You might not make it out without woulds, back you will get out. Baby, surviving is what life is about. Don't forget that you will survive that heart break, that loss. You will survive your depression, your anxiety, your life. You just have to keep going.

My dear I know this is a lot of hoping. I know that there will be times where you will have anything but hope. So I pray for you. That you live a good life. That you survive, even if you come through with battle scars. I pray you hold on. To your faith and to your hope. Most importantly I pray that you are proud of yourself in the end. No matter what.

Love,
Natalie

Be Honest. Be Brave.

Just remember that your past is the reason you're here right now in this moment. It has made you into this amazing human being who has lived a life full of good and bad things and you got through it. So never let someone make you feel like you don't deserve something because of a mistake you made before you knew any better. We all have to make mistakes so we can learn from them baby.

You are the only one who needs to forgive your mistakes. Do not let someone else hold that power. Because if you do, it will take a long time to take that power back. So be proud. Embrace your mistakes. No one has the right to make you feel inferior. Please remember this honey. Because it's going to happen. People are going to hurt you, but it will make you a stronger person.

Don't worry about the people who leave when they find out about your past. They aren't worth the hurt. You will eventually find the people who will love you no matter what. Those are the people who are worth it. Never let someone else decide what you are worth because you are so much more than what other people see on the outside.

You are made of your mistakes and failures. Your triumphs and happiness. You are made of stardust and smiles and tears. You were wonderfully and fearfully made by a God that will love you forever. Remember this. You will live a long life full of good and bad things. Don't let your bad things overshadow the good.

Think of that voice in the back of your head. Whoever it sounds like; you, your parents, your best friend, they are the types of people that you need. People who care and are willing to tell you when you have made a mistake, but who won't judge you for it.

Remember that you were beautiful before anyone ever told you and you will be beautiful after they leave. This is important. On those days where you can't even look into a mirror without remembering what that person said about you don't look. It's okay. But the next day take hundreds of pictures of yourself. Even if you don't save them do it. Remind yourself that you are beautiful. Always.

Tell yourself you look beautiful everyday. Even if you don't believe it at the moment, you'll start to believe it. Loving yourself takes time. Especially in a world that continuously tells you that you need to change everything about you to be "pretty." Baby, please don't believe them.

Love yourself. Don't let others label you. Never let your past get in the way of your future. Learn from your mistakes and let others learn from yours too. Be proud and never let someone decide you don't deserve something. These things are going to be hard. You're going to get hurt sometimes. You're going to make bad choices at 3 a.m. after a bad fight with someone you love. That's okay. You have to learn sometime my dear.

Love yourself even after you make mistakes. Don't let your mistakes stop you from living. Be honest. Be real. That's all you have to do.

Love,
Natalie

You Are Loved

I don't know if you have someone who loves you or not. But you deserve to be told that you are loved. A lot. Even if it's from a stranger you've never met.

Please don't forget that, sweetheart.

Because life is going to be hard and it will try to make you think that you aren't important. But never let it. Because you are so important. Even if it is to a few people. You still matter. You are still loved.

Sweetheart know this. The world is a dark place but love makes it a little brighter. So let your light shine. Guide those who have been extinguished. Burn bright and even if you are the only light, the dark will no longer engulf you. Never let someone put out your light. You are the only one responsible for how bright it glows.

Maybe you're not ready for love. Maybe love isn't ready for you. That's okay. Take your time. Know that sometimes love is that person who smiled at you on a really bad day or the best friend you've had since kindergarten. Maybe it's going home, alone, and being content. I guess what I'm getting at is love can be found everywhere. Sometimes it might just be a little harder to find than others.

Be present. In every day life. There you will find the little loves. The way the sunshine hits your face, the smile of a little kid, hearing other people laugh. These are the little loves. The little ways that people show how much they care for them.

Give away your love freely. Yes, it will cause you to get hurt at times, but the love you receive back will soften the blow. You may even receive love from someone you never imagined. Try not to be too worried. Giving away pieces of yourself daily is dangerous. But it's worth it in the end. You are fine, in fact you are perfect. You are loved by the most important people in the world. And that's all you really need in life.

Because when you are old and gray, looking back on your life, the love is what you'll remember. That's what matters. Baby this is what you need to remember.

The love of people can change the world, it can change you. But only if you let it. And you may not love everyone you meet. There may be people out there you'll get to know and they just won't be lovable. But don't show them hate. There is enough of that in the world. Show them compassion. They probably need it.

And when you are laying in your bed late at night worrying about the past, just remember that the past is what has formed you. Your past loves, your past friends, your past feelings are all a part of present you. So the unrequited love for that boy, the angry yelling at your parents because "they just don't understand", the silence between you and your best friend because that's what you needed at the time, they are all ways of showing love.

Be proud of these things. Be proud of the mistakes you have made with trusting people with your heart. At least you learned from it. Show everyone around you that a heartbreak isn't going to stop you from living. Cry, be angry, but then put on your armor and take up your sword and keep fighting.

Because that's what life is. That's what love is. It's a continuous fight. So be prepared. Because it's going to be a long, hard battle. But the day when you can finally lay down your sword and take off your armor you'll realize that it was so worth it.

Let your world be changed. Walk around with your hands open and your heart expectant. You'll find love in the most unexpected places if you do.

Trust me.

Love,
Natalie

Being Lonely

Being lonely isn't like being alone.

Loneliness is waiting for someone to come after you when you leave. Being alone is knowing that no one will come after you. I don't know if you've ever felt alone before, but trust me it sucks. It's a feeling that you never really get rid of even when you aren't alone. It's there in the back of your mind. Always reminding you that you've felt it before, and it can come back at any time.

Being alone is crushing. It plagues your thoughts and actions almost all the time.

I don't cry in front of people. I don't really share with others if I'm feeling anxious or sad or upset or anything like that. I push it back until I can deal with it by myself. I know this is bad, but I don't want to put those feelings onto someone else.

This makes me feel so completely alone at times that it becomes almost unbearable. To me that's what loneliness is. Feeling completely disconnected from the world and being afraid to tell others about it because you think they won't understand or care.

But trust me baby, they do. Because everyone has felt like that before. The sad thing is no one ever talks about it.

Being lonely is good sometimes. It makes you realize how important having people who care about you is.

And if you ever find yourself feeling completely alone, try becoming the person you would want to be with at that moment. Because life will be hard and there will be times where your only company is yourself. So start working on loving yourself a little bit more.

And baby, there will be times when being alone stays around for a while. During those times just remember that you will learn so much about yourself. Remember those lessons. They'll get you through so much.

This world is going to knock you down. There will be days full of rain and tears. And that person that you need in that moment might not be there. Maybe they're a thousand miles away in another city or you lost touch years ago, but there in that moment you will want them so much. If you're one of the lucky ones, then you'll still have that person. That person you can call at 2 in the morning and just cry. That person who will always be there to tell you they love you when you need it most.

That is when you'll realize that going through this life alone is never going to happen. Sure, maybe you don't have a 2 a.m. phone call, but you have a family. You have friends, coworkers, strangers on the internet, who care about you. Who love you and will be there to tell you at the end of that bad day. When the world pushes you past your breaking point. When you need someone to tell you that it will be okay eventually.

You may be lonely right now. You may feel like you have been pushed around and discarded. But please, if you don't remember anything else remember this, you will never be truly alone. Even if the only person you have rooting for you right now is a stranger on the internet. Know that that stranger believes in you so much.

So go out and let your light shine baby. This world needs it as much as you do.

Love,
Natalie

Take a Breath

Honey, I hope you don't let anyone rain on your parade. Remember you are the only person in the world who can decide what's best for you. Take a deep breath and forget the crazy things going on in life. Even just for a minute. Remember that at the end of the day, you are the only person who you have to make happy. Because your happiness isn't second place.

Be in the moment. Take in every day, hour, second as much as you can. Try not to look ahead or back too much. Don't worry about the past or the future. You can't change the past and the future isn't here yet. Live for the now. So you can remember those lovely summer days, those nights you spent hanging out with friends not doing anything special, just being together. Those are the things that will matter.

Take another breath. It'll be hard. That's no secret. And when it comes, you won't be able to remember these things. The bad will overcome you. That's inevitable. But you have to hold on. To whatever you can. Whether it's a small smile from a stranger, or the little bit of hope that never really disappears from anyone.

One more day. That's how you have to look at the world when it's bad, Lovely. Just live day by day. Hour by hour. Take the time to notice the good even during the bad. And try to do good for others as well. It doesn't matter if they're your best friend or a stranger, everyone struggles. So be kind.

Live, take deep breathes, look around every once in a while. You'll start to notice the little details. The way the sky looks after a rain storm. The way people look at others they love. The niceness of the world. It deserves to be noticed, even if it's just by one person.

Be proud of yourself. Your accomplishments will be different than others. Someday's, getting out of bed will be an accomplishment. Someday's you won't get out of bed at all but you did wake up an that's something to celebrate.

Take the time to remind yourself of these things. Remind others too because we all forget at times. And if no one has told you today, let me be the first to say I love you and I hope you have a good life.

--Natalie

Dear Love

Dear Love,

I don't know you yet, but I hear from others that you're pretty great. I hear you're indescribable. I hear you're life changing. And I've heard you can be devastating. I've heard you can destroy someone as quickly as you can build them up. I am only an acquaintance to you right now. With love for family and friends, nothing life changing. Nothing like a first love. But being completely engulfed by you is a terrifying thought right now. So, we'll stay acquaintances. At least for now. Until I can stop falling for every beautiful stranger I pass or for people who are completely wrong for me. But stay close, I hope to become more than an acquaintance soon.

I've seen you so many times. In the smiles between two people. The way he looks at her. The way she smiles at him. The way that they fit together so perfectly. The way they like the same types of movies. Even in the way they argue with each other. I've seen you in so any forms. Between two lovers, between two friends, between families, between those who can never be.

You can be so terrifying. Some say you're paralyzing. But they also say that you're so beautiful. So full of hope and happiness. Even when you turn sour and hurting. That memory still exists. Of the hope and happiness that once was. Which seems like it would make it hurt worse, but the ache is surprisingly comforting. It shows you can still feel.

When you disappear people miss you. They can feel the loss in their bones. I think you know this. I also think there is a reason you leave. Whether it's to teach a lesson or to show people they can survive. Or just maybe it's because that person needs to learn what you feel like coming from themselves instead of from someone else.

One day I hope to know you. Intimately. Wholly and completely. Maybe one day soon. Maybe not yet. O hope you come at just the right time. With the right person. I understand the first doesn't always last, but I hope that it doesn't end messy. Hopes and feelings are always changing. That's what I hope you do. You never leave, just change.

You are so beautiful. In so many ways. Yeah, sometimes you're painful. And sometimes you disappear for a really long time, but you always come back. You're always there when you're needed the most. If we didn't have you, this world would be a much darker and hateful place. I'm so glad I've got you in my life even if it's just for a while. I hope you know this.

Love,
Natalie

I Hope

I hope you know you move with a grace that is indescribable. You walk with your head held high and never let people belittle you. You are an indescribable human being. Someone who seems too perfect to exist. You're so special. I hope you know these things. I hope you are reminded of this when you need it most and if you need to hear it today, this is me telling you.

I hope you live a wonderful life. Full of good times, amazing friends, and family that love you. I hope you know your life is so special. You are destined to do amazing things that maybe right now only seem like a dream.

I hope your life is full of smiles and laughter and sunshine. Sure, there may be bad days or months or years, but I hope you know that you will get through. And these things will change you, sometimes not for the better, but that's okay. I hope you learn from these bad times.

I hope you never lose your faith. Your faith in yourself, in other people, in the world, in your God, in you life. It's what is going to help you through the bad times. I hope you have the faith to carry on. Or to quit. Whichever you need to do.

I hope you have courage. On the bad days where you're lucky to get out of bed and on the good days where you're going to have to be courageous for other people. I hope you can do it.

I hope you are strong. I hope you can face every challenge set in front of you with grace and strength. Because that's what it's going to take to get through life.

I hope you are happy. In your life, with choices you make, with the way you look, the way you act. I hope you make yourself happy before anyone else. Because at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your choices. You're the one whose life will be affected most.

I hope you love yourself and I hope you love others. I hope you live a life you're proud of. I hope one day when you're old you can look back on your life and say that you lived it the bet way you knew how. I hope for so many things on your life.

I hope you know how proud I am. Of how you've grown and become your own person.

But mostly I hope you know that you are loved. So much. By so many people. And that's what matters most.

Love,
Natalie

2.15.14

I wish I could say that I am someone who can and will openly share about their faith and tell others about how God has affected me, but I've never felt comfortable doing it. I don't know why, but it's something I really want to change.

I guess when you look at the media today and the way people who call themselves Christians act, I don't want to be lumped into that stereotype. It's like if you believe in God then you must be like the Westboro Baptist Church or the people who protest outside of abortion clinics. But that's such a small minority.

I have the belief that we are to show everyone the love of Jesus by loving them. And none of this "love sinner hate the sin" stuff. You are to show them you love them especially at their worst. So someones and addict. Show them you'll love them even when they relapse. So someone is depressed. Show them that you will love them even when they cut you out of their life for months. To me that's what Christianity is. Showing love to everyone.

When I read scripture like "For God speaks time and again, but a person may not notice it." (Job 33:14) or "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous hand." (Isaiah 4:10) and I think about the fact that there is nothing in this world I should fear because I have faith in a God that will always protect me. And yet I'm afraid to do something as simple as tell people about Him.

For New Years I went to a youth conference at the beach and one of the speakers had a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head. It was "People make choices. Choices make people." I want to be able to make choices where I became the person that I want to be. Someone who loves unconditionally, who cares more than may be good for them, someone who is always there as a shoulder to cry on or give them a hug. I want to be the person that people can come to when they need someone to just listen.

I hope to make the right choices. Whether it's sharing what I believe or showing people through my actions. I want to be someone others can look at and they know what I believe. I'm going to try and work on this this year. We'll see how it goes.

Love,
Natalie

I'm Learning

I am learning how to love myself. How to give myself the love that I give others. I'm learning how to have faith. In people. In things I cannot see. I'm learning how to have hope. Even in times where it seems useless. I'm learning how to trust. It's not easy to do either. It's so easy to get hurt when you trust; but I'm learning to let myself get hurt every once in a while. It helps you learn. I'm learning to make mistakes. Over and over again. Just to make sure they're really a mistake. I'm learning to let go. Of fears. Of grudges. Of things I can't control. I'm learning how to live. In the moment. With depression and anxiety. For the future. I'm learning about myself. And the world. And the people around me.

And I am so thankful for that.

Love,
Natalie

2/1/14

As you get older I've realized that people ask you the same question. What do you want to do with your life? And I've never had a good response.

Sure when I was little I was positive I was going to be a princess or teacher or dancer or all three. But as you get older people expect you to have a viable answer. One that could actually happen. And I'm still not sure what my answer is.

I usually say something along the lines of criminal psychology or something like that but I don't really know. All I know is I want to help people. I've had so many people who have come into my life and changed it for the better. Some of which I've never met, but I've read the words they've written and it has moved me in such a way that I have changed my life.

But I'm not going to be the next great author. It's just not going to happen. But you know I may not die a famous writer, but when I go, I'll know that the words I wrote were from the heart. And I think that's what matters. The way you feel when you are doing something.

So maybe I won't be a famous writer, maybe I won't become a criminal psychologist. But I hope I can change lives in whatever I become.

Love,
Natalie

Dear You,

When the darkness engulfs you, look toward the sun. Feel its warmth. Let it brighten your day. Even if it's only for a little while. Find the silver lining. The good inside the bad. Remember we are all connected. You're a child, a sibling, a friend, family, lover You're someones hope. But on those days where it seems like your alone, like no one cares, remember who your hope is. Remember who you're staying alive for.
Or what.

Because there will be bad days, but there is always hope. There is always a reason to go on. Even if it's that stranger who smiles at you when you pass everyday. Or your dog meeting you at the door after a bad day.
They keep you going. And you keep going, for them. For yourself. For the day when you will be able to feel the sun against your skin again and smile.

Don't let the fear trap you. Live adventurously. Take a deep breath and act. Make rash decisions at times. You'll learn from your mistakes. And probably make them again anyway. But that's okay. Because it takes a couple times to make an impact.

Take time to live. Take time to be afraid, but push through. Take time to be happy. And sad. And loving. And kind. And angry. And hurt. Don't become numb to the world. Feel wholeheartedly. Don't let the world make you hard.

These are the things I want you to remember. When life is bad, when the sun disappears, remember these things. The fear will pass. The hurt will pass. The pain will pass. The world will be good again. I promise.

Love,
Me

1/24/14

Look around. Notice the small things.
Watch the flower bloom.
Hear the birds sing.
Smile at that stranger.
Look at the clouds,
the stars,
the world around you.

Take it in.
Remember the beauty.
It'll help with the bad days.

When the world seems to hate you.
When life seems to beat you down.
Remember the world.

Remember the people who love you.
The people who care about you.
Family, smiles, lovers, friends.

The way the sun warms the grass,
even when it's cold outside.
The way the ocean knows where to stop.
The way the world looks after it snows.

The wonder of the world.
The beauty of nature.
The love of people.

Remember these things.
Because they'll help.
When the world is dark.
And nothing seems good.

They'll remind you of the beauty.
The hope that's everywhere.
Always and forever.

Love,
Natalie

1/15/14

When the word family is brought up there are always the usual people you think of. Your parents, sibling, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, the people you're blood related to. And then if you're really lucky, you think of your other family. Those that you might not share DNA with, but you might as well.

Those special people who stay by your side no matter what.

I've been thinking about families a lot recently and it has made me realize that the people you surround yourself with, if they're good people, will become family. Because not everyone gets blessed with a good one so you have to make your own.

And one day, if you're really lucky, you'll look around and realize that you've made a great family for yourself. Out of people you love and who love you. Out of people you share DNA with and people who you might as well.

Love,
Natalie

My Inspiration

“I don’t care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching—they are your family.”

—	Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty

Night

I'm a night person. I love the time between when the sun sets and rises again. The time where life seems to pause. When the world is quiet and people feel safe.

Night time is special. It's and in between time. Where anything is possible. Where it seems like tomorrow will never come again and yesterday is over.

Then there are those nights where you're broken. When nothing feels right and you're hurting but don't know why. Or how to get it to stop. And all you need is someone to listen. Or someone to hug. Or just some company. You just need to feel loved and cared about. Night makes people vulnerable.

I think that's why I love the night time so much. Because people are more willing to share when it's dark. They don't think about the consequences. The next few hours seem like a lifetime. And people are real. There is no filter when you're exhausted.

Hurting at night feels safer. Like nothing can get to you. Sure, when you're alone in your bed at 2 a.m. and all you can think about is how much your heart is aching or that one bad decision you  made that day you feel like nothing is going to make it end. But then night is there to welcome you into it's arms reminding that it will always be there to embrace you. No matter what you may face. And those times when you have that person you couldn't live your life without to spend those nights with you, you don't feel so alone.

There will be days where the night will be the worst time. Where going to sleep will be impossible with the pain you're feeling, but there will be other times where it's what you live for. Where nothing else makes you feel happy except those last few hours between the sun setting and it rising again because it's when you get to feel safe and calm and free.

Night is when things can happen. The unexpected, the horrible, the amazing. Night time holds promises of adventure. That's what I love best about the night. The promise of adventure.

Love,
Natalie

New Year, New Perspective

It's official. 2013 is over and it's now 2014. It's really weird to type that out, but I'm excited.

This year for New Years I was at the Big God Conference at the beach. And if you don't know what that is, it's a youth rally that has been held for 15 years in the same place. There are band and speakers and drama performances. It's a bunch of people together worshiping and learning together.

There are no words that are able to describe the feeling that that place has. It's just amazing how connected you can feel to strangers that share this one common belief and how affected you can be by the right song or the right words.

This has been a really hard year. One I would never want to repeat. But I've grown in many ways. Life is never going to be easy, and we're the ones who have to decide if were going to let that defeat us or if we're going to keep going.

I won't forget these days for the rest of my life, and the main point spoken on for the three days was choice. And something one of the speakers, Ken Freeman, said will never leave my mind. "People make choices and choices make people." 

This year is going to be a year of making decisions and making myself better.

I hope this year is a year of learning and growing for you too.

Love,
Natalie