Sharing how I feel terrifies me. It doesn't matter if it's with a stranger or a friend or whoever, it makes me feel physically sick. I know that's not a good thing. I know it's not healthy and that I shouldn't be afraid to, especially if it's with someone that I love and they love me. Those are the people I should trust the most with my feelings. And I do trust them. With all of my heart I trust them, but sharing how I feel with them, whether it's from something they might judge me for or how ridiculous it is that I'm even feeling whatever it is about whatever it might be that I stop myself because I don't want to lose them or for them to think less of me. And like in my head I know this is stupid. I know that no matter what I say if they really love me then they are not going to stop loving me just because of one little thing. People hurt other people's feelings all the time and we couldn't learn from that if we didn't know. So it makes sense to tell someone, "hey what you said to me today made me upset and here's why and I know you were in a bad mood or had had a bad day and I know you didn't mean it but this is how it made me feel," like that's normal. I just can't do that. At least not at this point in my life. It's been a long time since I have truly felt my anxiety be as bad as it used to. Sure every now and then it does rear its ugly head but it's usually manageable or at least ignorable. But every now and then it come back with a vengeance and those times are usually when I'm tying to explain how I feel. I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense it probably doesn't. All I know is it's so much easier to type out how I feel for random strangers to read on the Internet than it is to tell the people I love and care about because I don't care what strangers online think of me. I do care about what those people in my life think of me. This is probably super rambly and I doubt it'll ever see an actual post but it's what I'm feeling tonight and I felt like I had to get it out. Emotions are a dangerous thing and sharing them is even more dangerous. That person gets the backstage view. They become someone who has the power to break you and that thought absolutely terrifies me. But I'm trying to get better and I am. Slowly, but I am. So until then I have this and for now it's good enough.
