Feelings

Sharing how I feel terrifies me. It doesn't matter if it's with a stranger or a friend or whoever, it makes me feel physically sick. I know that's not a good thing. I know it's not healthy and that I shouldn't be afraid to, especially if it's with someone that I love and they love me. Those are the people I should trust the most with my feelings. And I do trust them. With all of my heart I trust them, but sharing how I feel with them, whether it's from something they might judge me for or how ridiculous it is that I'm even feeling whatever it is about whatever it might be that I stop myself because I don't want to lose them or for them to think less of me. And like in my head I know this is stupid. I know that no matter what I say if they really love me then they are not going to stop loving me just because of one little thing. People hurt other people's feelings all the time and we couldn't learn from that if we didn't know. So it makes sense to tell someone, "hey what you said to me today made me upset and here's why and I know you were in a bad mood or had had a bad day and I know you didn't mean it but this is how it made me feel," like that's normal. I just can't do that. At least not at this point in my life. It's been a long time since I have truly felt my anxiety be as bad as it used to. Sure every now and then it does rear its ugly head but it's usually manageable or at least ignorable. But every now and then it come back with a vengeance and those times are usually when I'm tying to explain how I feel. I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense it probably doesn't. All I know is it's so much easier to type out how I feel for random strangers to read on the Internet than it is to tell the people I love and care about because I don't care what strangers online think of me. I do care about what those people in my life think of me. This is probably super rambly and I doubt it'll ever see an actual post but it's what I'm feeling tonight and I felt like I had to get it out. Emotions are a dangerous thing and sharing them is even more dangerous. That person gets the backstage view. They become someone who has the power to break you and that thought absolutely terrifies me. But I'm trying to get better and I am. Slowly, but I am. So until then I have this and for now it's good enough.  

Sunshine and Clouds

Life's not always sunshine and happiness. Sometimes it's clouds and tears. Sometimes it's anger and fear. Sometimes it's just surviving. Life doesn't always go the way you planned. It doesn't care about your plan. In fact it has a funny way of completely upending your plans and doing its own thing. All you can do is go along.

This may sound terrifying or exhilarating depending on how you live your life. To me, it's terrifying. The unknown is terrifying. The fact that no matter how much you plan and prepare for, there's always the probability that life is going to hit you with the one thing you didn't even think could happen.

Those days of sunshine and happiness make the days of clouds and tears bearable. They make the anger and fear bearable. They make life bearable. And I know what you might be thinking after that sentence, but I want you to know that I have so many days of sunshine and happiness. So many days that are filled with smiles and laughs. Days spent with people  I care about and love. Days that I will remember forever.

Those sunny days might be little things. I know they usually are for me. Whether it's seeing that friend you haven't seen in a while or watching a really good movie on a rainy day, those can be sunny days. It can be cuddling with someone you care about. It can be doing that thing that yo just haven't had the free time to do recently. It can be doing absolutely nothing. A sunny day doesn't have a specific definition. It can be anything. As long as it brings you joy, then it counts as a sunny day.

Those days are important. Especially when the clouds and tears show up. Especially when fear or anger want to take over. Those days of happiness and smiles are important. They help remind you that today might be a bad day and maybe tomorrow will be too, but someday, hopefully soon, life will be better. Life will be happy again. You just have to hold on. You just have to make it until then.

So life might not always be sunshine an happiness. Life might be mostly clouds and tears and anger and fear, but when those sunny days do show up, you'll appreciate them more than ever. Those days help you survive. Those days make life worth all the suffering and the unknowing.

I hope you have days full of sunshine and smiles and laughter with people you care about. I hope that when you do have bad days that these memories help you. Maybe they won't fix the bad day, but at least they'll be there to remind you that things will get better. You deserve as much happiness and sunshine as you can possibly get. So I hope you have years of it. Decades even. Because you deserve it.

Love,
Natalie

Things I Will One Day Tell You

I want to be with you as much as I can. You have a presence about you that makes me feel content and happy and safe whenever you're around. I've never had feelings like these before. Never wanted to be around someone this much. It's scary, but it's also exhilarating and exciting. It's still new and I'm still getting used to the fact that there is someone so amazing out there that likes me as much as I like them. There might be a few things about him that frustrate me, but at the end of the day those don't really matter. He makes me happy. He makes me feel special. He helps me through the bad days and makes them better. Then on the good days, he makes them great. I don't know where we'll be in two weeks or three months much less in a year, but I know where I want us to be. And I think he wants the same thing. Life has a weird way of bringing someone into your life right at the moment you need them most. I know that there is a reason he came into my life when he did and every day it becomes more clear to me. He grounds me. He gets me out of my head. He makes me better, and I'm very grateful for that.  

New Year

So, it's been a while since I've done this whole writing thing. But there isn't any better time to start again than a new year.

I don't know what might happen this year. It's a year of changes really. New experiences, new happiness, new fears, and new adventures. Between graduating high school and going off to college to being able to spend time with a guy who makes me the happiest girl in the world this year has s much going for it already. For the first time in a while I'm really excited to see what this new year has to offer.

I've never been one for making resolutions cause to be honest I'm not that great at sticking to things. But I'm going to try and be more present this year. In everything I do. I'm going to try to live less in my head and try to just lie in the moment. So I can look back at the end of this new year when it comes and recall all of the moments that have made it good. This isn't so much a resolution as it is me trying to change how I live my life.

So here's to a new year full of so much potential and adventure. I hope your new year is the best one yet.

All my love,
Natalie

11/22/14

Tonight has been one of the best nights I've had in a while. My family, or most of them at least, met the boy I'm kind of crazy about. I think they really liked him, it's kind of hard to tell with them though. We went to a lovely restaurant and had dinner. Then went to see a movie. He made me feel so special and important tonight. I'm experiencing a high like I've never experienced before. All of the secrets and sneaking around seems so stupid now with how cool they've been about this whole thing. The joy I am feeling right now after such a big night is incomparable to anything else. It's been such a huge relief that everything has gone so well. It seems like it's been a little too easy. But I'm just grateful for what I have and will continue to be until it's gone. Right now, in this moment, I couldn't be happier. Which makes me very thankful for my guy. His ability to make me feel so special and happy and safe and cared for is very new to me. But it's also one of my favorite things. He's one of my favorite things. Here's to many more amazing nights just like this one.

Love,
Natalie 

10/30/14

I know I'm not his first anything like he is to me. I know he's had so much more experience in this area of life. I know these things, and they terrify me, but they also comfort me. Out of all the girls he could choose. Out of all the girls he has been with, he chose me. He wants me. I've never had that before. It makes me feel special. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. I hope I make him happy too. We're on two different levels, that is true. We can't even tell anyone right now. That doesn't bother me much, but the chance of having someone find out before we even figure out what this whole thing is definitely scares me. And he says he's scared too. He says that this was not in his plan. And I have to agree. I didn't plan on any of this to happen. I was waiting to get out and then he showed up and that plan kind of just disappeared.

But we like each other. Probably more than we should. You shouldn't be able to miss someone you have seen just a few hours before. There are so many reasons that this relationship shouldn't work out. There are so many reasons we shouldn't even be together, but there is so much chemistry and electricity between us that it just doesn't seem like an option to stop now. And I don't want to either.

Yeah, it's scary. Maybe even terrifying. But he makes me feel so happy and lucky that I have him. I feel very safe with him and he's very respectful and sweet and caring. In the short time that we've been talking and getting to know each other and figuring out what this thing is he's become a part of my life. It's comforting to know that there is someone in the world who I can just talk to about anything and they'll actually care about what I'm saying.

I don't know where this might go, but we've talked and we both feel like there is a definite future for this relationship. We have each other. For as long as the other person wants them. The next step is going to be telling people in a few weeks. Which is terrifying, but also will be a huge relief. So many new things are happening in my life, but I couldn't be happier.

Love,
Natalie

10/6/14

I never understood why people smiled at their phones when they got a message until you came along. I've never been one to sit around smiling just because I thought of someones name. I've never known of these terrifying and amazing feelings until you came along. It's all so new and unknown and scary. But also exciting and making me so happy. It terrifies me that one person can make me feel all of these things at once. It doesn't seem like it should be possible for someone I barely know to have such a big affect on me. I don't know where this is all going to go. Maybe I don't want to. But I do know for now that our conversations that last for hours, and that I sometimes fall asleep during, have made the last few days so much better. They've made me happier. I also know that you are one of the only people in my life right now that I can talk to for hours and never run out of things to say. So for now I'm thankful for these things and if one day we are able to make this more than a friendship I'll be there. Fully and completely. Until then I'm just glad to have you in my life.

Love,
Me